Fear of Loss
Author: Phil Walmsley

All of us at one time or another, perhaps even right now have experienced the pains of losing someone. This someone could be a parent, a sibling, a child, a spouse, a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Each of us has felt the pain. Some of us feel it in our solar plexus and lose our appetite. Some of us feel it in our heart and feel so crushed that we wonder if we can go on.

Losing someone can be through them passing on (dying that is), or choosing out of a marriage, moving out (in the case of children). Whatever the case, they leave. They leave or you leave and it changes everything. We want to hold onto the past (unless you're glad they left you. That's not fear of loss though, that Good-bye, see ya later - good riddance)
Have you ever thought about why when someone you care about so deeply leaves you it hurts?

It wasn't until my first wife decided to leave that I came face to face with that gut wrenching, tear jerking, emotional basket case of a person called self. I had tried every possible action I could take in order to keep this woman in a relationship with me and yet whatever I did made no difference. Her decision had been made, probably over a period of time and she was now taking the action she felt was right.

"But how could you?" I argued. "It's the end of our family. The four children won't have their mother. The littlest guy is only 2. It's not fair. You promised. You made a vow. How could you not possibly love me?" (those who know me are not allowed to answer. It was a rhetorical question:) I know those of you who have been in my position understand the emotional pain at the loss of a loved one and the feeling that life is no longer worth living.

At one point during the peak of our break-up I had to go out of town to photograph numerous native families. It was a desolate town and it was pouring rain as it only can on the west coast of British Columbia. Many of the clients that were going to show up for family portraits never showed. I spent a lonely weekend inside a big hall photographing a total of three families. I barely had enough money for motel and meal so there was no going out to party it up. Frustrated and depressed, the weekend finally came to a close and as I was driving home a very lonely and deserted highway, I was aware that a slight pull of the steering wheel would pull me over the steep roadside embankments, tumbling me to sure death. The opportunity had presented itself. To live or to die. And to tell you the truth, I didn't care which one. I felt the energy to pull that steering wheel move from my shoulder to my elbow and then to my wrist. Well, almost to my wrist. Then it stopped. This repeated itself about four times. Each time stopping just before the wrist. I continued the long drive home knowing I had chosen life. I walked into my home a changed man. While there was still much emotional discord I had made the choice to choose life and now I was about to make decisions that would work for ME.

It was a couple of years later before I learned about fear of loss.

So here's my little gem when it comes to fear of loss. If you can relate to my story above. If you have ever felt the pain, then I suggest to you that the reason you are feeling this way (or were) is because....... (drum roll please) there is something that you want from that person that you do not believe you are capable of creating yourself.

We are taught in relationships that we are one-half of the relationship. The partner person is the other half. When joined together the two halves become one whole.
No wonder we are crushed when someone chooses out. We just lost our wholeness. We just lost half of ourselves. Ouch. Sliced up the middle and half gone.

Practically speaking, we feel such a loss because we act out a game where our partner supports us in such a way that they show qualities that we lack. For example. One partner is shy and the other outgoing. The outgoing partner draws out the shy person and the shy person allows the outgoing person to go within. When one person leaves the person who is left behind (not always) knows that this game has come to an end. And the EGO screams "Now what are you going to do! You can't do it by yourself!" And we feel panicked, depressed, lonely, isolated, hurt, and so on.

But hold on. All is not lost. Time to change those old beliefs. I believe you are already a whole person and the other person is whole person. God does not make half people. What is necessary is that we find the wholeness in ourselves. Two people bonding together as two wholes have a much stronger bond. If one chooses to leave then there is still the wholeness of yourself. The more you become personally and spiritually aware and the more you are in line with your own life purpose the less dependant you become on that perceived "other-half". You become whole. You do not have a feeling of separateness. You have a feeling of wholeness.

People enter your life for various different lengths of time and the time each one spends with you is perfect. Love them when they enter, love them during their stay with you, and love them when they leave.

This is not the way we are taught to love. We are taught to cling and to fight for, and to continue to abuse and suffer. This is Love? No, this is co-dependency. Two dysfunctional halves trying to sell themselves as a complete whole. Is it any wonder there are so many divorces? Heck I should know. I'm one of them.

Fear of Loss Insight Card #46 - Start Card

Fear of loss. No one ever leaves. They just move. When you travel from point A to point B does point A leave or do you move? So it is in relationships too. Clinging to someone in a state of emotional desperation comes from a place of fear- fear of loss. This will create just that for you - a loss with much emotional discord.

Allow people to be with you and you with them. When you see someone choosing out of or away from your path let them go with your blessings and your love.

To do so will create more love and freedom in all your relationships.

End - Card

Sounds so simple but what emotional turmoil we create around our close personal relationships. How desperately we cling to one another to hide our own shortcomings. If only we would take the step forward to move towards a higher calling, a strong self, a place of knowing of the oneness, then we would be able to see our relationships as gifts that truly challenge us to "BE LOVE"








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Phil Walmsley is the creator of the popular 101 Insight Cards. He has a free weekly newsletter of insights to personal and spiritual growth

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