Journey To Intimacy
Author: Jackie Woods

When we hear the word intimacy, the first thing that usually comes to mind is sexual intimacy. It isn't that sex can't be intimate - it can. Yet often times sex isn't intimate, simply because intimacy has not been created in the relationship in other areas. The broader meaning of intimacy is about being honored in who you are and honoring your intimate partner in who they are. The more we get to know, honor and share ourselves, the more intimacy we can have. The problem is, we don't always honor the parts of ourselves we know and our knowing is usually limited.

Who are we, anyway? Are we what we've been trained to do occupationally? That's usually what we tell someone about ourselves. Are we Mother, Father, lover, gardener, tennis player? No. These are roles we play. I'm talking about who you are being while you play the different roles in your life. For example, are you creative? If so, what does your creativity look like inside you without any external expression? Are you humorous? What does your humor look like inside you? Are you playful? Passionate? Loyal? On and on we can go, but each word is only a title to a piece of us-- a title that cannot be generic. Let's look at creativity again. I am creative in my thinking by allowing many possibilities to come in for examination before I do problem solving. I am creative in my feelings because I can take one small experience and let my emotions paint a whole tapestry of color. How are you creative inside?

After we get to know an inside piece, and recognize it as us, we have to honor that piece by giving it the right to express with freedom and dignity. In order to feel confident in who we are, we must see each piece of us as a gift to another person. If we see each piece as something special, others will too.

For our gift to be shared it must be acknowledged and taken in by another person who then honors it enough to share back. This sets up a flow of energies between two people. We are now on our way to intimacy.

Let's review to make sure we are staying together.

We must get to know ourselves inside, one piece at a time.

We must learn to honor and love each piece before it can be truly ours.

We must learn to share who we are.

We must be able to honor the valuable pieces another person has claimed.

So how has sex gotten such impressive billing around the subject of intimacy? Often, it is the only extremely personal connection many people know how to make-- even when 'extremely personal' is only a poor substitute for 'real.'

When people are real with each other, a flow of energy begins to happen. The flow then creates a connection: a connection of 'real', bonded by honor. Now, it is true that two liars or manipulators can understand each other and have that in common. They may even respect each other for their skills. But they can't have the flow and connection that creates a unity, a oneness, because only real energies can connect.

Remember, 'real' describes the pieces of us that go deeper than our outward expression; they go beyond our roles. Real is the core of who we are! When we know someone beyond their activities and words and can honor their real pieces inside -- and we are willing to share our own realness -- we have arrived at intimacy.

But what about sex? This process to oneness must happen in other areas in order to manifest in the act of sex. Why? Since the physical is the realm of manifestation, we must have something to manifest (beyond testosterone and estrogen) in order to use the act of sex for intimacy. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not against sex for physical pleasure or release but you can't pretend that it's intimacy.

Being in touch with who you are automatically comes out in everything you do, including sex. But if honor is the glue that bonds the connection of energies between two people, then you must move beyond the sexual act, and even beyond the relationship to the shared realness. It's in the shared realness that you experience a flow of energy that washes you into a oneness that is pure bliss. Believe me, you do not have to give up any sensation or orgasm. But the oneness of intimacy is so fulfilling, the physical becomes secondary - simply a prop for the primary, which is intimacy.

We all long for intimacy but few get there. Couples, singles, and marrieds all want intimacy, but many have given up and have settled for doing a few things together and having just "plain" sex.

When we share who we are through the oneness of intimacy, every experience is doubled. For instance, in sex you get to double your pleasure and double your fun - because in intimacy, all real parts shared between you and your partner are joined to make a larger whole. Take, for example, passion. Your passion might be intense but short lived while your partner's passion might be less strong with more endurance. Together you both have endurance and intensity.

Let's add three more steps to our original four and see how passion turns out:

1. Get to know passion within you - without external _expression.

2. Love and honor it - this means you will let it express even when you're afraid.

3. Share it - be passionate even if everyone around you is dispassionate.

4. Honor the real piece of passion in another person - tell people you appreciate their passion when they show it, and recognize how it is different than yours.

5. Allow your real piece to flow into the real piece of another - then celebrate the exchange of passion.

6. Bond the connection with honor - realize the gifts you have given each other.

7. Experience the oneness of intimacy - where all is expanded and you are more than one.

These steps need to be repeated for every new discovery we make about ourselves. All the energies of the heart are ours to explore and develop. You are limitless, so naturally intimacy can be an ever-expanding journey for you and your friends or lovers.

Copyright © 2002 by Jackie Woods






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Jackie Woods is a healer, spiritual teacher, and founder of Adawehi Healing Center in Columbus, NC. Jackie’s ability to recognize and correct unhealthy patterns of living has enabled her to help thousands of people to improve their lives. For more information about Jackie's work, and to subscribe to her free newsletter The Heart's Journey, please visit www.jackiewoods.org.

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