How to Develop Self-Esteem in Children
Author: J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

There are two goals that all parents should have for their children. The first is self-esteem, the sense that one is a lovable, worthwhile individual. Without it, a person cannot find satisfaction in life or relationships, especially marriages.

The second is a sense of morality, the courage to do what is morally right and refrain from doing what is morally wrong. If most parents do not instill this in their children, we would not be able to function as a civilized society.

Eugene Anderson, ED.D., George Redman, Ph.D. and Charlotte Rogers, Ph.D. in their book, "Self-Esteem for Tots to Teens" (Parenting and Teaching Publications, 1991), describe five principles for developing self-esteem in children and adolescents. The first is to acknowledge and listen to their thoughts and emotions since they are so much a part of who they are. Listening to you offspring with empathy says you care about what they think and feel. Plus it will create an atmosphere in which they will be more willing to listen to you.

You don't always have to agree with your kids when you listen to them, nor let them do whatever they want. You can have a different view on a situation and still understand their perspective. And you may still have to discipline them even if you better understand why they misbehaved.

The second principle, which should be self-evident, is to structure situations so your children experience more success than failure. Don't expect standards of performance which they cannot achieve. You want them to grow up with far more praise than criticism, more accomplishments than failures.

Third, give your children some degree of control over their lives. When they are younger, they can choose what clothes to wear, for example, as long as they are appropriate for the weather. Or what breakfast cereal to choose. When older, they can choose what courses to take in high school or what college to attend.

Too much control sends the message that your children can't adequately handle their lives. Too little control sends the message you don't care, so you must strike a balance between these two extremes and give them more freedom as they grow older.

Fourth, let your children know they are lovable and capable. Again, this is a self-evident principle. You should give your children daily expressions of affection - hugs, kisses, words of love, praise and appreciation. Think of them as cups of love which you want to fill with as much caring as you can.

Finally, model good self-esteem yourself. To me, this is one of the more important principles since you can't give to your children what you don't grant to yourself: self-love. Research is clear that high self-esteem parents have high self-esteem kids whereas parents who are low in self-esteem have kids who are low in self-esteem also.

There are no guarantees that if you follow these principles your children will grow up to feel good about themselves since there are factors in self-esteem development over which you have little control - their physical attractiveness, peer relations, intellectual abilities or athletic abilities, as examples. But I can guarantee they'll have a poorer chance of developing good self-esteem if you don't follow these principles. After all, your unconditional love and support is the most important ingredient in their mental health.











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About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from http://selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and http://selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.

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