Eight steps to having the relationships you want
Author: Terry Rich Hartley, Ph.D.

Like it or not, we are all gladiators. We go to sleep and
wake up in a social arena from which there is no escape.
Challenge upon challenge confronts us, walls restrain us,
and a mob of spectators mocks, sneers, or cheers us. Each
and every day brings new battles whether we want them or
not and whether we're up to them or not. Life forces us to
face one skirmish after another - no choice in the matter.

What we can choose, though, is which kind of gladiator to
be, victor or victim.

Being a victim in this social arena translates into having
bad relationships.

Most people are victims - victims of their own perceptions.

That's because people don't develop and listen to their own
unique, authentic self. Rather they allow their mental
spectators - those little tyrants rattling around in their
heads - to tell them second by second how to fight their
battles, what they can and cannot do. These tyrants applaud
and they hiss, they encourage and they discourage.

These mental spectators are the memories of the judgments
of real-life people. For example, it's the memory of your
aunt saying, "I hope you marry someone rich, because you're
not going far on brains." It's the echo of your father
growling, "You've got a back problem - no spine."

And their influence over your relationships can't be
overestimated.

Millions of people accept the judgments of their mental
spectators as the truth and, therefore, the mediocre
results that come from believing those judgments.

With so many people living this way, the question becomes,
is this the way I have to live? Fortunately, the answer is
not unless you want to.

Once you identify your mental spectators - and your
interactions with them - you can move beyond victim and
assume the role of victor.

What it takes are eight steps for getting command, eight
steps you can apply to most any situation you want altered.
You can positively influence your relationships, your
employment options, any aspect of your life.

Let's look at the steps.

1. Define What Ails You.
Ask, what's my problem? Am I a jealous weasel, troubled
that others have what I want? Am I ticked off most of the
time? Am I sad and whiney? Anxiety ridden? Moody? All of
the above? Without this step, you're doomed. It will take
personal courage, but you won't get results without
identifying what ails you.

2. Discover the Effects.
Ask, how are my problems affecting my life? Am I a lousy
parent, a friendless dork, a backstabber, a slut, a drunk,
a junkie? Am I none of the above, but someone who is less
than I could be? This step requires absolute self-honesty,
but the truth will help set you free.

3. Seek the Source.
Ask, from where are my problems coming? Who are my real and
my mental spectators? What do my mental spectators look
like, say, and do? Exactly who or what is keeping me from
taking command of my life? This could be one of the most
incredible experiences of your life. You will look into the
abyss and see who is looking back.

4. Identify Your Role.
Ask, how am I contributing to my problems? What is my
responsibility in all this? Did I decide to be a garbage
disposal? Do I beat myself to death trying to please
others? Do I expect things of myself that are unfair? Do I
treat myself as a friend or an enemy? Do I allow my mental
spectators to drive me to distraction, depression, anger,
anxiety? Recognizing your role in your own problems is a
positive - but scary - step toward knowing yourself and
gaining personal command.

5. State Your Desires.
Ask, what do I specifically want to do about my problems?
Do I want to be a doormat, a slut, a drunk, a friendless
geek? Or do I want to rule my mental spectators? Do I want
to stand up to a spectator, real or imagined, who puts me
down? Do I want to take command of my education, my bank
account, my relationships? Until you can actually list your
desires in the order of their importance, you will be a
victim. However, once you do this, you are on your way to
being a victor.

6. Seek Options.
Ask, what are my options, and in what order should I place
them? What is the first option I should concentrate on? The
second one? The third? If you have a soul-sucking hangover
most mornings, you might opt to give up your booze buddies
for some real friends. Secondly, take the money you
normally spend at bars and deposit it in a college fund for
yourself or your kids. If, instead, you're a workaholic and
you want to spend more time with your kids, then DO IT.
Very few people on their deathbed have said, "If I could
live life all over again, I'd spend more of it at work and
less with people I love." Choices are involved here, but by
weighing options and alternatives, and then making personal
choices, you are taking command. Do this and you'll begin
to gain real power.

7. Learn Winning Techniques.
Ask, how do I rule my real and my mental spectators? Must I
collapse in a heap when they point thumbs down? How can I
learn to take charge on every level and get a grip on my
life? There is no "magic" involved, but you might feel as
if there is. Unlike a vanquished gladiator falling at the
whim of spectators, you decide your own course.

8. Master Your Relationships.
Ask, what more can I do to master my relationships by
strengthening myself and my perceptions? How do I take
command right now in developing my own identification and
self-worth? Congratulations! You're working on the one
person in the entire world you can work on - YOU! And any
improvements in yourself can't help but enrich your
relationships with other people and the world around you.

Although this is only a brief overview of each of the eight
steps for jump-starting your relationships and taking
control of your life, you'd be amazed at how significant
the effects of a few minor adjustments in perception can
be.






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Dr. Hartley is a social psychologist, a scientist, and the author of "Tyrants of Self-Concept: Ruling the Rulers", a 122-page ebook that thoroughly describes the eight steps for improving your relationships, taking control of your life, and living the life you want to live. It includes easy-to-relate-to stories, examples, humor, and concrete, practical worksheets and exercises that get results fast. To learn more about how you can apply the steps, visit: www.rulingtherulers.com

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