ways of intimacy
Author: Lisa Fata

Ways of Intimacy

This document talks about some of the mechanics and skills necessary to fully express love and intimacy in a relationship. Without knowledge and skills, we tend to fall short in our relationships because we don't come naturally equipped with these skills anymore than we come equipped with math skills. Sure some are more talented than others in these skills as they are in math as well, but all levels of talent must be enabled by acquiring knowledge about it and developed as a skill to be useful in life.

Relationship skills and knowledge are needed to fully express one's love to another, and to preserve that relationship from the perils of time and the vulnerabilities that accompany the unfulfilled human heart that can result from the lack of fully expressing and exchanging intimacy.

Initial Drawbacks of Mechanics

In learning about relationships, feelings, listening skills, love skills and all the like, we can become somewhat sterile and lack the emphasis on the person and sincerity that we desire from learning all these things in the first place. But if we are sincere and want from the heart the best for and from our mates, it is worth overcoming the initial drawbacks of mechanics to master them for the benefit of the one we love. Once learned and practiced, they will be second nature and enhance the relationship to new and exciting levels.

Just like a gun, these relationship skills and mechanics can be used to keep the peace or kill someone in cold blood. Like the gun, the skills themselves are not bad, but if they are used by someone in a deceitful way, they can become the most destructive force in other peoples' lives. However, a deceiver will never fully obtain the intimacy possible with their mate because there is no true exchange. A house built on lies will never stand the test of time and trials and will never reach the depth and fulfillment of truth.

None of these skills will change the core of someone's character, they can only give the core character a chance to come out and be seen to the benefit of the relationship and the one who is loved. Mechanics should be pursued to enhance a relationship or perhaps rescue one that is starving for exchange and intimacy between two people that do love each other but have built a wall between them.

Thoughts on Listening


Learning to listen and establish intimacy is not a game, it is life at its fullest. We think sometimes to express our feelings is phony, but if we will analyze why we say what we normally say, we can find the feelings to confirm our sincerity. Men must learn how to feel where women already do. One the greatest desires of both men and women is to be truly understood, that is, for our mate and friends to really know how we feel and why. One of the greatest dimensions of love is the intimate exchange of being understood.

Men are mostly stimulated by what they see, women are mostly stimulated by what they hear. Men say what they see (facts, commands, criticism), women say what they feel (intangibles, indirect responses, personal attributes). These type of things will provoke an undesirable response and will often drive their mate away.

The sad thing is that men do care down deep inside, and hurt tremendously when things go bad in a relationship. With men, feelings always find a way of expression, but it is often too late or in a way that will be misunderstood. For men, one key to a happy marriage or relationship is for them to learn how to express their feelings in ways that will cause exchange with their mate and in ways that will be received well and understood by their mate. Men too often hide behind anger and the “macho” image obscuring their true feelings from the one they love. True macho is a man not afraid to express his feelings, but society has distorted this truth and key to love and strength.


Tips and Examples of Listening

Learn to listen (active listening)

• Reflect how she feels as she shares something with you - say what you believe she is feeling - avoid too many questions
• Mix in repeating back what she said (this is not as good as reflecting her feelings, and must be done in moderation and along with feeling reflection)
• Remember things and details that seem important to her and bring them up again at other times
• This is a skill that does not come naturally to anyone: it must be developed.
• It takes a lot of energy and concentration to truly listen.

Learn to speak to the heart

• Before you speak your heart to her heart, set the tone and get her attention. For example, you may both be busy in a conversation and something comes up that you want to speak to the heart about, gently put your index to her mouth and say shhhhh, then speak your heart. I call this breaking their stride. You must break the stride to reach the heart. Another simple way is to use silence while gazing into their eyes. They will say “Whaaat?” Another example is while driving pull over and look at them in silence until you establish control/attention. SILENCE is one of the most powerful tools of communication. Another way is to just suddenly haul off and kiss her intimately for a moment, then speak softly what is on your heart. Another way to grab her attention is just to start laughing, then respond to her question: I was just thinking about the time….
• Don't bull shit or say a lot of nothing while trying to speak to the heart. Let your words be purposeful and deliberate, slow if necessary. And if she interrupts, just use the index finger/shhhh thing a bit to keep the flow intimate.
• Establish intimacy by saying what she makes you feel or how she makes you feel. For example, “it really hurts when you do that, I mean really hurts” - then be silent to let her respond. That would be instead of “you fucking idiot don't even think about doing that again!”.
• Don't compete with her in conversation - let her speak and respond, and be sure to listen to what she is feeling, not just what she is saying. Silently smile and gaze at her when she is talking too much, to break her stride again. Another example is to say “I love it when you do that, you are so ___________ (awesome, damn good, strong, beautiful, etc.) it almost hurts” .
• The more details and specifics you offer, the more powerful the intimacy.








Men are factual and critical-black and white, Women are feeling and sensual--abstract:

• Say what you feel, not what to do. Say how it feels, not the facts.

Negative examples:
1. Down deep inside that makes me feel like crying when you bring that up not: When are you going to let go of that grudge.
2. Do you know how much it hurts when you are with someone else even if you don't supposedly care about them, not: Stop doing that shit with those guys.
3. Do you know how much I trust you, not: I can't believe you did that again.

Positive examples:

1. I really love it when you cook for me, not just: you are a great cook.
2. You make life so much more beautiful, you notice and cherish what everyone else takes for granted, not: ignoring her comment or saying “don't be so silly, or enough already, or you get so excited over nothing”.
3. “That turns me on” not: “do that some more” or “keep going” or silence/no comment.

• Women and even people in general will not condemn or argue about how you feel about something, but you do invite strife with commands and statements of fact. We men have to look to why we want to issue a command or make a statement. There is always a feeling causing the command or factual statement that will bring intimacy and deeper connection/respect with our mate if we learn to express them.
• Old proverb: A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up strife and anger.







Understanding Submission


Women are designed for complete submission; men are supposed to be designed to bring women into submission. However, most men don't have a clue about true submission. It is the most intimate facet of a relationship. It is the ultimate expression of love.

Simply put, submission is one the greatest deep down desires of women. Without this fulfillment they are frustrated and feeling some degree of emptiness in their relationship, and will be venerable to the words and power of a stranger. Complete fulfillment of a woman's heart only comes by her willing and complete submission to the right man. Women are designed emotionally to submit. But just because most women desire to submit or surrender all to their mate does not mean they will do so easily. Their intense desire to submit/surrender all will only be bestowed as a precious gift to a trustworthy man that knows how to graciously but powerfully bring her into submission.

Women who are not in complete submission with their mate are venerable and could easily find themselves in an affair. Some women who have been hurt will have a hard, bitter, and/or a cold façade that may never be penetrated to allow the flow of true love and submission.

Unfortunately, most men have the wrong idea about submission. Submission is neither slavery nor servitude. Submission is a gift, a free act of surrender motivated by love and supported by trust. Submission only comes by a willing heart and cannot be forced nor demanded. Submission is not obedience to the commands and desires of non-giving type man. Submission is more like the surrendering and giving of one's soul to her mate that is passionate, caring, and giving yet powerful and in complete control. Submission is not physical, but it does have its ultimate expression in the act of lovemaking. Submission is earned not taken, intimate not degrading, is love and not absolute control.






Other Subjects to Explore


ROMANCE: Women love romance, observe and learn about romance. Much of romance is simply treating a woman right down to the last detail. It is like emotional foreplay and should not be taken lightly. Romance is like all out adoring your woman with a bit of mystery and control. It is also like treating a woman with class and loving expression yet with power and strength. Romance also involves a bit of a chase which women absolutely love. Men have some natural ability to romance the woman they fall for when they first fall, but many can stumble into a trap after the relationship has peaked or matured to thinking romance is fake or a put on. True, some men are naturally more romantic than others, but all have some of it when they first fall for a woman and do strange things to win her. Here is a truth that we men must embrace to keep our woman happy: WE MUST ALMOST ROMANCE HER JUST AS MUCH TO KEEP HER AS WE DID TO WIN HER IN THE FIRST PLACE, and if it was not fake then, then it is not fake now if you want to keep the one you love.

ORDER/PRIORITIES: The house must be in order. Love is severely undermined when things are out of order:

• Basic order of life: God, spouse, family, career.
• There must be the right kind of separation from both sides of parents. Both she and he must hold a higher position in the other's heart and actions than the in-laws.
• Finances must be in order, or at least headed that direction by earnest efforts. Responsible spending and earning must be a joint effort.
• Man of character. She will have a hard time loving any man that does things to undermine his own character. Things of this nature can range from stealing to selling drugs to running from the law to doing hateful things to others to condemning others to violence to cheating others to lying to hatred of God or those that represent Him and so on. In a woman's heart, a man's character can also be severely damaged by what he allows or does nothing about.


COMMUNICATION: It is true that in most cases words without actions is meaningless, but it is also true that actions without words results in a cold, dead relationship. Love must find expression in both word and deed. Humans need to be affirmed daily. It is important to recognize that the more that is said about something, the bigger it gets, this works both in the positive and negative way. For example, if you tell her that she is a bitch (even if it is a statement of fact) and always complain about the way she is (without ever expressing your feelings), then the more she will respond that way and the more you expect her to, even when sometimes she is not. On the other hand, you tell her about how turned on she makes you, how beautiful she is, how great the sex is in many ways, the bigger and better the sex will be (it will grow).




TRUTH: Lying at any time or circumstance undermines every truth that one speaks. It is better never to lie, because your words become more powerful and easy to be embraced. It is hard for oneself to believe his own words if he lies often, yet alone to be believed by another person. Truth is always better, even if kept silent. Truth is the only way one can achieve the highest level of intimacy and exchange with his mate.

SEX: Men need to find out all they can about sex and not assume that they learned the right way. There are many books and even videos about the mental and physical aspects of sex. The key to success here is one's attitude: BE CONFIDENT WITH WHAT YOU HAVE AND KNOW, BUT ALWAYS STRIVE TO PLEASE AND LEARN MORE IN EVERY WAY YOU CAN!








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Born in NYC and grew up when sex,drugs & rock & roll were cool! times have changed as everything else, I have learned much. that is one of the reasons i decided to start writing, i am hoping maybe someone out there will learn from me instead of traveling the same bumpy road. I have been married 2x am seperated and looking. I am hoping to write a book soon... if it flows it will be. I live in NYC i love love and love people who are spiritual & strive to better themselves and are possitive. i also love men who know how to treat a lady & i especially adore men who REALLY REALLY love women. not many men out there who actually like women let alone "love" them. i wrote this article for my husband. i thought maybe he might get something from it which he could use in our relationship. ofcourse he never read it, which i guess is why we are now divorcing. i reread it recently and thought maybe someone out there might get something more out of it then my desk. relationships take work, work to be fun, work not to be boring, work to not take eachother for granted and work to work!! LISTEN LEARN and do not for anything take anything or anyone for granted.

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