Take a Break and communicate
Author: Jeanne Johnson

When did you last say something complimentary to your partner? When did you last tell them how you feel about your relationship or life in general? When did you last ask them what they would like from you or tell them what you would like from them? When did you last even have a friendly chat?

Often we are so busy coping with the stresses and strains of everyday life that we forget to take time out to really communicate with those closest to us - those we love. We don’t even stop to say, “I love you”. Yet communication is the cornerstone of loving relationships. When communication is neglected and fails so, all too often, does the relationship.

So why not make a start on improving communication in your relationship. Take a break from the daily routine: forget about work, turn off the TV, put down that newspaper, come away from that computer, wake up from that armchair and get talking to the one you love.

Make a start with some moments of quality time together: take a walk, go out for a coffee, a quiet drink or a simple meal. Or, if you have to stay in for the children, money is short or you just prefer to stay cosily at home, then dim the lights, switch off the phone and sit comfortably together. Try and do this at least once a week for a start.

Why not try this simple but powerful communication exercise to get you started on the first step towards improving your day to day relationship and your sex life with the one you love.

Each take turns at speaking while the other listens without saying anything. Try two minutes each way to start with and build up to maybe five or six minutes over several weeks. Be strict on the timing (set an alarm clock or kitchen timer), take turns to be the first to speak and do not use your time to argue points made by the first speaker. Do this exercise at least twice a week. Start by affirming you partner’s good points and expressing your positive feelings about what is happening in your relationship. When you are comfortable with this try a round of expressing some of the negative feelings you have about each other. Remember you only have two minutes to speak initially so don’t get into heavy issues at this stage. Try to own your statements by saying for example “I get annoyed when…” rather than “you make me annoyed when…” Believe me it does make a difference.

This exercise can be made more powerful by maintaining constant eye contact but make sure this is not glaring or intimidating. Negotiate and agree topics for further sessions and for either of you to be able to ask for a session when tension seems to be mounting, an argument is going nowhere or you feel you are not being heard.

Take this process into your love life. Give each other the opportunity to ask for what you want, or maybe what you don’t want. Once you have learnt that you can trust each other to stick to the rules you will find you are able to speak more honestly and openly and also to accept what is said without feeling attacked or overwhelmed. Importantly, you are also more likely to get your needs met because you will not be relying on the unhelpful expectation that your partner should know what you want. There will be less room for frustration and resentment to build up if you are able to safely express the negative aspects of your relationship, including your love making, and we all know how good we feel when someone we care about says nice things about us.

Remember always to speak from your heart - with love and respect – and your love and respect for one another will flourish. So take a break and communicate – you’re both worth it.

For further ideas: The Relate Guide to Sex in Loving Relationships by Sarah Litvinoff. Published by Vermillion. ISBN 0 09175294 9








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Jeanne is a regular contributor for www.selfhelper.co.uk and has her own column as ‘Agony Aunt’. Jeanne is an experienced teacher, personal and relationship counsellor, polarity therapist and healer. Through these four mediums and her wisdom, insight and life experience Jeanne has developed a unique style of healing, guidance and personal empowerment. She has counselled for Relate, the prison service and in a GP surgery. She has worked successfully with a wide range of people and problems and had her own counselling and polarity therapy practice in North Birmingham. She now lives in America, Florida but continues to write for SelfHelper.

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