Sex as a sacred ritual
Author: Sonya Green

I remember watching an interview on TV once and a guy was asked when he knew his marriage was in trouble. He answered that he was making love to his wife and caught up in a great moment of passion when he heard his wife whisper “Darling, the ceiling needs painting”.

I guess men think about other things during sex; men may become bored with sex but even then I don’t think men ever become as indifferent or as detached as many women appear to do.

Men seem to value sex more than women do: actually, there appear to be a lot of differences between the genders when it comes to attitudes about sex.

Men pursue sex and women pursue love and romance. Men will often use love to get sex and many women will use sex to get love. It usually works out pretty well in the end, as most people realize that they want and need both.

We seem to spend the first half of our lives learning things and then the second half trying to unlearn things. It really does take a keen sense of observation and a lot of self-analysis to unravel belief systems to find our own truths. It also takes a lot of courage and determination to go against standard beliefs and live your life according to your own wisdom; there are so many areas of our lives in which we are wearing masks and being phoney. We know on a logical level that things don’t make sense but we are so afraid of ‘Not being Normal’ that we would rather live with lies and suppress our true nature than appear to be different. Somehow, lies and stupidity become acceptable and things that are natural and healthy become unacceptable, trivialised, embarrassing or taboo.

Intellectually we may all agree that this is particularly so in relation to sex and body image. Men are generally more comfortable with their desires, performance and bodily functions whereas women appear to be continually struggling with two entirely opposite worlds when it comes to sex. The sexual revolution of the sixties presented us with new freedoms and greater education allowing us to fully embrace the idea that it was o.k. to enjoy sex. We readily accepted that sex was normal and healthy; we were open to experimentation and even got to the point of pursuing sex, enjoying sex and making sexual demands.

We do underestimate the power of conditioning and just how deeply our belief systems are instilled. On one level, we embraced sexual freedom, but we were somehow unable to completely let go of our previous Victorian attitudes. Even today we operate on levels of guilt, shame, self-consciousness and sexual suppression. We still carry within us our ‘Good girls don’t’ and ‘Bad girls do’ attitudes. We still think in terms of being used, giving in, playing hard to get, letting him have his way and of course, the ever popular question, “Will he respect me in the morning?”

We may have a very good understanding of anatomy and know the proper names of our private bits, as well as a good basic knowledge on how it all works. We accept our animal instincts and primal desires and behaviours. But, then again on a deeper level, there is this distorted and illogical belief that we should smell like perfume and our genitals should look like orchids. We worry that we may have too much hair; we are too fat, too flabby or too old. We are self-conscious about our sexuality and shy about expressing our needs.

It really wasn’t all that long ago that it was assumed that women didn’t enjoy sex and they only did it because it was their duty if they were married. They had to be married, as that was socially and financially imperative. The sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies turned all of this around. Sex had been a taboo subject up until this point, but with the availability and acceptance of the contraceptive pill woman discovered a freedom like never before. Women began to explore their own sexuality; magazines came with sealed sections and within those pages articles about clitoris’s, g-spots, erogenous zones and masturbation. Woman began looking at pictures of naked men as well as close-up shots of female genitals. The concepts of multiple sex partners, orgies, pornography and homosexuality emerged.

The world had changed and life was never going to be the same again. Fear of pregnancy was probably the main reason women avoided sex, but all that changed with the pill. From all of this, came very significant changes for women right across the board. Women demanded, and ultimately received equal opportunities in most aspects of their lives.

These days, we all have a fair understanding of how our body’s work and we have the freedom to explore our sexuality. Woman can be as sexually liberated and at ease with themselves as the men are. So why aren’t we?

Why are women so hung up about their bodies: self-conscious, ashamed, critical, ignorant and insecure.
Why are we still thinking that men are using us or that we are giving up something.
Could it be that we still think nice girls don’t and that ‘Doing it’ will lose us his respect.
Are our genitals really ‘Yucky’ and do we ever really look at them.
Is sex power and are we still bartering.
Why do we still believe we are unattractive if we are not perfect and why do we believe that only perfect bodies deserve sex.
Will we ‘Die from embarrassment’ if caught masturbating – Do we masturbate?

Now, I’m not suggesting that women should be screwing around all over the place, and treating sex like sport, or trivialising it in any way. I’m not suggesting that men have all the answers either; they certainly need to address a few issues themselves. But, I am suggesting that men are generally much more comfortable with their sexuality and their bodies than we are.

Men establish a very healthy relationship with their penises very early in life. Perhaps it is because their equipment is external and easily accessible. Most men consider their penises to be their favourite body part: some even go so far as to give it a name, most probably talk to it like it is a good mate and certainly most men treat it with the utmost respect and consideration. From a very young age boys realize that touching it feels good and most will touch it often throughout the day.

Men are also sexually aroused very easily and will experience ‘a little flutter’ by something as simple as seeing an attractive woman. Men usually wake up each morning with ‘a hard-on’ and will automatically give it at least a little fond stoking before they start their day.

Women on the other hand have everything hidden away and very private. Women rarely look at themselves ‘down there’ and it is quite common for a partner or Gynaecologist to know more about the look of her ‘privates’ than the woman herself. Women are also more likely to need emotional, psychological or physical stimulation before becoming aroused.

Parents also tend to educate their children quite differently when it comes to sex. Boys get more of a ‘How to do it’ talk whereas the women are constantly reminded and warned about the perils of unwanted pregnancy. Fair enough, as it is usually the female who gets left holding the baby. Females are also warned about men only wanting one thing and the risks of gaining a bad reputation. Religious beliefs may also come into consideration and the very strong suggestion that sex outside of marriage is sinful. Promiscuous girls get labelled as sluts and no decent men would ever want them. Promiscuous males are labelled as studs and in some cases become more admired.

It’s no wonder that women are accused of this yes-no-yes-no attitude to sex. We are conditioned to treat sex with caution and to be highly discerning or suspicious of sexual advances but at the same time we are also conditioned into using our sexuality to attract a mate.

The thing that men know, and we still haven’t yet fully grasped, is that sex is a necessary, natural and healthy activity. Men also know that they can get it and enjoy it regardless of their shape. Men rarely feel shame or embarrassment about wanting it or actively pursuing it. They don’t feel used or disrespected or cheap after sex. I’ve never met a man yet who thought I owed him something because he had given himself to me.

Penises are all shapes and sizes. If we really want to analyse it then I’d probably have to say they are O.K. but not really stunningly beautiful. In fact, the hairy balls, veins along the shaft and the little helmet at the top are really no more or no less beautiful than female genitals. In fact, if you really get down to it you, may notice there is great similarity in design between the two. The vagina is really like an inverted penis, the labia is the equivalent of the balls and the clitoris is really just a tiny little baby penis; the aesthetics aren’t important at all. Genitals are amazingly fantastic pieces of engineering. Their purpose and function is comparable to nothing.

Genitals have many sizes, shapes and colours, and yet we still get caught up in thinking that they must be ‘Movie Star perfect’, pretty in pink and dainty, or as air brushed as a fashion cover page. This is yet another example of accepting propaganda and denying reality. Women’s genitals can range from pink, red, maroon, purple to black in colouring, all being perfectly normal. Minor Labia (inner lips) can be short, long, fleshy or taunt. Pubic hair may be soft or coarse and wiry, and of course some women have a lot of hair and some do not. Nipples also come in pink and brown hues, different sizes, and large or small areolae. We seem to accept that penises are different sizes both in length and thickness, some are circumcised and some are not, and balls also come in a variety of shapes and sizes.

Some women are self-conscious that everything is night next to the anus. Well think about it – where exactly do you want it. Nice on your forehead - but a bit distracting, on your elbow would be a bit of a problem in a crowd don’t you think? Your hip may be O.K. but very limiting if you like a variety of positions, not to mention that you would throw your spine out of alignment. Really, think about it – the position is perfect!

Another concern is fluid; some women worry that they get too wet and others worry that they are not wet enough. This fluid is soft, smooth and sensual to the touch. If this was a Chemist made product, it would be highly sought after and extraordinarily expensive. Men love the touch of a woman’s wetness, as it says, “Yes, I want you”. Men need indications and responses to let them know that they are doing well. Men love to know you are horny and nothing says it better than sending down your juices. A smart, or at least a considerate lover, will also be aware that if you are not wet enough, he needs to spend a bit more time on the foreplay. So, don’t get anxious about not being wet enough, just thank your body for letting him know he needs to back up, slow down and pay attention. Wetness of course also protects the vagina as well as providing the slidiness. Slidiness may not be the correct term but, I’m sure you now what I mean and understand the importance of it. If dryness is a health related problem, there are excellent lubricants available and quite a lot of herbs that can help in many cases.

Probably the most self-consciousness is about smell. Yes, we have all heard the fish jokes. Most women will at some time notice a stronger smell than usual and feel concerned. If you feel you may have a problem, then see a doctor as you may have an infection or an STD. If you are healthy and do not have a medical problem, then the most probable cause is hygiene. Vaginal fluid is healthy, necessary and normal, and it does not usually have a strong odour. It has such an ever so slight and subtle smell that it is hardly noticeable and usually quite pleasant, much like sweat has a nice subtle, salty smell but if left unchecked it becomes a strong and unpleasant odour. A considerate lover will always make sure she is fresh and clean before engaging in sex. Some women are so self-conscious about their odour that they become fanatically clean and go so far as to use perfumed products. This is a bad idea, as your vaginal fluids contain pheromones which act as aphrodisiacs. That smell that you are all precious about is actually turning on your lover, so, why are you shutting it down. Perhaps, you would do better to toss out your perfume and dab a little vaginal fluid behind your ears as well.

Too fat, too thin, big tits, little tits and saggy bits.
When are women going to get over all of this? Do something about it if it really is causing you anguish. Ideally, do something with your attitude rather than your body parts. Men may have hairy arses, beer bellies or weak calf muscles, but they don’t attack their own sexuality over it, do they? Being sexy and enjoying sex has nothing to do with the size or shape of your body parts. If men have one complaint, it is this: they are sick of women making reference to body defects. They just don’t care. If you think your bum is too big then it probably is, but men don’t care. They are very interested in ejaculating into your vagina; they are not interested in skin elasticity or fat cells. Save it for your girlfriends, therapist or cosmetic surgeon.

We are self-conscious about a lot of things, and most of it is a bit neurotic. If you really care for your lover, or more so if you are in love with your lover, then it is only human to want to know that you are sexually exciting, pleasurable and fulfilling.

Techniques can be learned, practised and perfected. Everyone has a responsibility to themselves and their lovers to educate themselves. No matter how athletic or skilful you are, it will mean very little if you do not connect empathetically with your partner. No one wants to feel like they are a slab of meat being masturbated into. Empathy is about tuning into your partner: feeling, responding, sensing and caring. Having a big dick, a bag of tricks and plenty of stamina are all advantages, but if a woman feels that she is nothing more than a vessel to you, then she won’t be interested for very long.

Of course, sex can be casual, playful, debauched or just lazy as well as having many other dimensions. Any or all of these aspects can play in and out of a healthy relationship and all are quite acceptable. Most long-term relationships include ‘quickie sex’ or ‘just getting your rocks off’ sex. One night stands or casual encounters can also range from spectacular and exciting to indifferent servicing. However, one night stands and quickie sex are separate issues and I am really addressing women’s sexuality, attitudes and experiences. While acknowledging that we are all different and have different desires and needs, and that sex has a huge range of complexities, I am mainly relating to sex as a loving expression and basic human need.

Sex, as an expression of love, can be, and should be, ‘A Sacred Ritual’. Society may have reduced it to a stress management technique, a sport or entertainment. Some people will compare it to a basic need as simple as having a meal. I have heard quoted “Why buy a book when you can join a library” as a justification for screwing around. It’s easy to trivialize and devalue things, it’s easy to become cynical and detach ourselves from emotional issues, but in the end it becomes very cold and empty and within us all is the knowledge and longing that we do need to be loved. We need to love, we need to be loved, and we need to express love. The expression of love requires an intellectual, emotional and physical connection. This is where empathy comes into it; we need to know that deep within us and through all of our senses that we are being honoured. Love requires vulnerability. To truly give our innermost private self we need to feel safe, respected and to some degree a little worshipped.

We pay a lot of attention to the importance of genital stimulation, and accept that female orgasm is all about the clitoris. Too often, foreplay begins and ends with the genitals. Too often, sex begins and ends with the genitals. Although pleasure, satisfaction and orgasm can be achieved, it can and will be very unfulfilling and heartless in a long-term relationship. Sexual technique and stamina are important, but they do not make a good lover and they are not the key ingredients of great sex. For many men, sex education comes through pornography, masturbation or story telling with other men. Too often men focus on the physical aspects of sex and sometimes act like sex is a race to the finish line.

A Message to Men
Women do not wish to compete with you; we know you can finish first, rushing us makes us anxious and anxiety destroys passion. Women can still perform after orgasm and in some cases continue into a second orgasm. Men lose their erection after they climax and can no longer perform, therefore it is ‘Good Manners’ to allow the lady to go first.

Women take longer to arouse and it might be worth thinking of it like this - Horniness makes its way from a man’s balls to the tip of his penis, whereas a woman’s horniness starts in her heart and has much further to travel to get to her clitoris. If you wish to arrive at an orgasm around the same time, then you will need to let the lady have a head start (no pun intended).

Women will very rarely respond to hard, fast, rushed foreplay. Think of them as very shy, timid creatures that get spooked very easily. Foreplay should be slow, gentle and relaxed. This allows a woman to trust, tune-in and respond. Without this you are leaving her in a self –protection or defence position.

Women receive sex. In effect you are requesting that someone take you into the very centre of themselves. There is a certain vulnerability involved in doing this and a considerate lover will appreciate that ‘Tossing himself in’ is very insensitive.

It may also be worth noting that a man gives and the woman receives in orgasm. Most men will experience exhaustion and most women will feel energized after sex. As many women feel used or dismissed when a man turns away and falls into a deep sleep, it might be worth understanding he is not ignoring you at all. It is true; he may not want to talk and may not want to snuggle up. Don’t take it personally.

Women will be very accommodating to many sexual variations, if and when, she has established a loving and trusting foundation to build upon. Without this being in place first, the ‘Wham- bam- thank- you- maa’m’, or the ‘Gymnastic Wonder Boy’, may have a very short life span as a long-term sexual partner. There is absolutely nothing wrong with lazy, selfish, perfunctory sex and sometimes a quickie is all anyone is interested in. There are times when experimental, playful and dirty sex is also enjoyable. Variety really is a good thing and all of this can work well within a relationship. The problem is, that too often and for too long we respond to sex with indifference, and over time we become disconnected from our lovers. When that disconnection goes unaddressed, then the relationship breaks down and self-preservation steps in. When a woman feels she is being serviced or is servicing a man, she will close down her heart and in doing so, she shuts off her sexuality.

The most important Erogenous Zone.

Foreplay actually starts in the mind, and in many ways the mind is more important than touch or technique. To begin with, it is the mind that decides whether you are even worthy of being a lover. The mind assesses your attractiveness and has the first and final say in your being selected as a mate. As trust is such a vital ingredient, you may consider the mind your judge and jury. The most important role of the mind is to focus attention, as good sex is impossible if the mind is not present. Tuning into your lover is where empathy becomes established. Empathy is the ability to feel and sense your lover’s responses, and ultimately to connect physically, emotionally and spiritually with your lover. When this degree of connection is established, sex stops being interpreted as two bodies and instead becomes one body or at least one energy form. When sex includes love, empathy, connection and trust, we will experience ecstasy as well as orgasm. When two people achieve this, they will know what is meant by ‘Sacred ritual’.

Some people may have innately known that this was available while others may have almost touched it or glimpsed it. Somewhere within our inner wisdom we do know that sexual energy is similar to, or the same as, spiritual energy. Orgasm is probably as close as we get to experiencing ourselves as greater than mind, emotion and body. For just a second or two during orgasm, we feel that we have disappeared into the Universe and become “Blissed Out”.

This state of ecstacy is all about energy. Call it sexual energy or spiritual energy, it doesn’t matter. We all have the ability to get there, and deep within us we long to get there. Many people have taken themselves all the way, but quite often fear steps in and most people will hold back and lose the moment. Ecstasy is often experienced spontaneously when people are very deeply in love. When people are really in love, they intuitively long to enter each other, they tend to breathe in their lover and open their hearts in a desperate attempt to draw the very essence of their lover into themselves. This degree of love knows no fear and holds no barriers, so you might consider the soul of each one actively seeking to merge into each other. When sex is an expression of love, and love is exchanged at this level, that merging does take place and the ecstasy of spirituality is achieved.

For thousands of years many cultures have practised Tantra. In recent years the Western World has become fascinated with this practise. Although Tantra is more commonly thought of as a spiritual discipline, practised by enlightened Eastern Masters, many of its components are being modified and practised to bring about sexual fulfilment, or more precisely, sexual and spiritual ecstasy. Tantra means, to open, expand, manifest, weave or merge. In its truest sense, it was practised to allow sexual energy (which is our base energy) to expand through our energy centres (Charkas) and bring about enlightenment (true spiritual connection).

Orgasm takes us close to spiritual ecstasy. Ecstasy is a full body orgasm, and includes the mind and emotions but more importantly it includes the soul.

This kind of lovemaking has some basic principles, and although many may be modified or varied, I will explain the most vital considerations.

The magic is in the dance
Orgasm is the last thing you focus on. In fact, the longer orgasm is delayed then the stronger the orgasm is, ecstasy comes from building up the energy then letting it rest and then building it up again. You need to be building waves of pleasure, and the secret is to take yourself and your partner almost there and then pull back. It’s about teasing, seducing and maintaining the wanting.

The mind must be fully present, watching, sensing and responding. The mind loves slow motion and slow, soft, gentle strokes allow the mind to take everything in through all of the senses. The slowness also allows a greater trust to be established, and allows attention to be within your own body as well as in tune with your lover’s body.

This level of lovemaking can be compared to a Maestro leading an orchestra. We expect the big crescendo and the huge finish, but we don’t want all of that straight up. We want the bow of the violin to be played slowly, deliberately and expertly; we want the subtly to be so exquisite that we stop breathing, as we hungrily drink in the sound and allow that sound to fill our souls. We want the maestro to bring in the other instruments so expertly that we don’t know when they start; they just somehow manage to entwine themselves into the music, slowly and steadily building, seamless and fluid. This is how lovemaking should be if you wish to achieve ecstasy.

Foreplay is everything here, and in fact foreplay starts long before you even reach the bedroom. In the early stages of a relationship, when couples are deeply in love, they talk to each other in a loving, caring and interested way. They connect and listen, gaze into each other’s eyes and, of course, they are totally present in their attention. They could be talking about anything or nothing in particular, but what is really happening, is that they are connecting. This is where the mind starts generating desire and interest. The imagination creates its fantasies. You look at the lover’s hands and imagine being touched by those hands. You watch your lover speaking and find yourself turned on by the sound of his voice, and you wonder when that mouth will be on yours. Throughout the day, you think about those kisses, close your eyes and imagine being kissed. You think about how he has touched you before and recall through your senses those memories. When you are in a restaurant, you find yourself unconsciously, but sensually, touching your wine glass or running your fingers through your hair. Your body language is speaking loudly and it’s saying, “I want you”.

I have heard men complain, “When we first started dating she couldn’t get enough of me, she would tear off her clothes before she reached the door and was begging for it before I undid my belt”. Now, she’s always too tired or she wants half an hour of foreplay. The truth of this is, that you probably didn’t realize that the foreplay lasted for days when you first started dating. Perhaps, when she drives home from work these days, her fantasies are about washing your socks and cleaning the bathroom. Someone once said foreplay begins with, “him doing the dishes”. This is really not quite as cynical as it sounds, and a wise man will realize that turning a woman on is about where her thoughts are before you reach the bedroom.

Getting back to the dating days, we also acknowledge that we created beautiful atmospheres prior to initiating sex, we spent time talking, relaxing and tuning in. Often, we drank wine, flirted, lit candles and dressed provocatively. Initially, we loved to touch each other in caring, gentle ways, holding hands, gently pushing back a strand of hair or touching each other for no particular reason. We shared small kisses to say hello and good-bye; there were thank you kisses and casual touches, smiles and secret looks as well as a steady gaze that simply said I am memorizing your face for later. Too often these things are disregarded within long-term relationships, and once again we are getting into short cuts. We do live at an accelerated pace these days and we want everything to be fast and hassle free but are we treating our love lives like a fast food outlet?

For such a long time now we have been physically and materially focused. We have relied heavily on shopping and entertainment as our means to happiness and we have even used each other as disposable conquests.

In recent years many people in the Western World have been turning their attention to Eastern practises and philosophies in search of deeper meaning. We appear to be discontent and disconnected in many ways and there has been a huge shift in attitudes about our sense of self and our place in the world. We sense on a deep level that something is wrong-something is missing, and yet there is a strong belief that the answers may well lie within us.

For many people Tantra techniques are being explored and are gaining enormous attention and popularity. Tantra techniques are being modified and practised for bringing deeper, richer and more profound sexual experiences. In this context Tantra is being used to bring us into a deep and loving connection with our partner and taking us into ecstatic, blissful orgasms. This level of connection brings lovers into such a profound degree of unity that a bond is created and that bond will take the lovers into a new and true definition of marriage. I refer to this as ‘Soul Marriage’. No papers, rules, agendas, conditions or egos – Soul Marriage is the merging of mind, body and soul.

Although I refer to Tantra techniques, I am also aware that they really only point out what people deeply in love knew and experienced intuitively and spontaneously. When people are deeply in love they maintain their connection with their lover outside the bedroom and play loving and caring thoughts through their minds throughout the day. Lovers speak gently to each other, they pay more attention to how they look and feel, they create nice environments and share many ordinary tasks in a playful, special way. All of this is foreplay and most of this is what goes missing in stale relationships. New lovers touch each other as a gesture of affection and without needing it to be sexual. Being loving is about consideration, connection and respect. Being loving is about wanting to please the other person as much as yourself. Being loving is the secret to female sexuality.

Before a man even thinks about touching a woman, he should turn his attention to her – I mean the bits above the neck. Far too many woman comment on this one problem. If your intention is to make your woman feel rushed, disrespected, anxious and tense, then go right ahead and take a grab between the legs. I think you might find that by diving into the knickers without first acknowledging there is a woman attached, can cause a woman to have ‘A very serious headache’. In some cases, the headache can be so severe that her legs will lock together and she will roll over and play dead.

There is a transition period required to go from daytime thinking to bedroom thinking. We all need time to wind down and tune into our partners. Soft conversation with gentle stroking allows us to relax into each other. Gently snuggling into each other and casually running fingers softly along a face or arms or back has a soothing effect. Soft, gentle or playful kisses and then a little more conversation or silence, a woman needs to feel she is the focus of your attention. What she thinks and how she feels will open her up or close her down. If a woman feels she could be anyone or no one, you will close her down. If a woman feels she is a vagina with a body she will close you down. A considerate lover, indeed a good lover, will know that women are generally self-conscious and sexually insecure. The greatest turn on for a woman is when a man acts like he cares about her, treats her like she is beautiful and highly desirable. If you really want to make a woman purr, then you had better assure her that everything about her is special, exciting and desirable.

Another big mistake men make, is, grabbing a woman’s hand and placing it on his penis as a big hint to get going, or, worse still, grabbing her head and pushing it down under the sheets. Women know they take longer to arouse then a man does, so no woman wants to encourage a man to be overly stimulated before she has a chance to get going. Women need more stimulation to catch up, and a smart man should know this. When a woman is horny she will respond by reaching out and wanting to play with your penis. When a woman is really horny, she will be actively encouraging you, her body will be responding to you, her breathing will synchronize with you and she will know what you want and how you want it.

Women love good kissing. A good kiss sends a shiver right through a woman’s body and makes her toes curl. Men can often overlook the power of a good kiss and focus far too much on screwing. Men will practise and experiment with all kinds of positions and techniques when it comes to thrusting, but sadly they don’t perfect the art of kissing. Kissing is such an intimate thing, it is not just highly erotic but it really conveys a depth of feeling that screwing cannot. It’s interesting to note, that most prostitutes will do almost anything sexually, but most will not kiss a client. This is because kissing is far too personal and intimate. Kissing someone you love is unbelievably beautiful and a huge turn on. Kisses are also hard to lie with, and women will sense true feelings through kissing. The art of kissing is almost as important as sexual technique. Good kissing also requires a slow and gentle start. Lips need to be seduced and approached gently, softly and teasingly. Dry closed lips, hard smashing and grinding of teeth or fat wet tongues barging in and choking a person are not appreciated. Cutting off someone’s air supply or spinning your head like an electric mixer won’t do it either.

Kissing can start by softly and casually touching your lips to your partner’s neck when you first cuddle in together, or light, gentle kisses anywhere on the face or near the ear. Being kissed near the ear, or a soft moist tongue touching an ear, is a real turn on, but be careful not to breathe too hard. Really, very softly near the ears because a big, fat, wet tongue inside the ear is really, really loud. Before you attempt a mouth-to-mouth kiss, you need to moisten your own lips as dry lips do not slide and the kiss will lose its fluidity. A light, gentle brush of the tongue over your partner’s lips, is not only a great turn on, but also moistens her lips to reciprocate. Kisses can be passionate and deep, but you need to work up to this first and the best gauge is to sense your partner’s response.

Gently stroking your lover’s body can greatly increase arousal and is also perceived as caring and loving. Too light a touch can be ticklish and distracting and absent-mindedly touching one spot will be annoying or numbing. Too hard and too fast is just plain clumsy, and when touching the breasts it can be painful. Kissing and licking nipples is highly arousing for most women, but clamping on like you’re a deprived breast fed baby is a turn off. Kneading breasts like bread-making dough is not too good either. In case I need to say it again, it is soft, gentle and slow; you are still seducing the woman here. Passion and power will come, and yes, there is a place for hard, fast and intense application, but not in the initial stages. A woman will beg for more, and respond with all she’s got after you have opened her up. Seduction and foreplay are about opening her up.

By now, your woman will probably be responding; she may be touching your body, her breathing may be synchronized with yours and she may have been responding to your kissing, you may be hearing some soft moans, or gentle words, her body should be moving in response to your touch. Now, you can move your hand down, but don’t dive in, lightly run fingers through pubic hair or across thighs, and gently move between the thighs. All of this needs to be fluid - gently ease your fingers between her legs. A very definite sign of acceptance is, if she opens her legs or hopefully they may have opened before you arrived here. As you slide your fingers into her, she should be wet. If she isn’t, then you have not yet been given any invitation, so keep touching and perhaps go back and add some additional kissing. If she is wet, then you take the moistness and slide it up and around the clitoris. Fingers need to slide across or around a clitoris, they must never press or pinch. You might consider the clit to be the doorbell of the vagina but it is not. This is highly sensitive and responds well to the softness of a tongue, or a finger that moves very, very softly. In a highly aroused state, the clit will become harder. Keep going back to the vaginal opening and gathering more moisture and spreading that moisture across and around the entire area. During this stage, the woman should have been playing with you, and you should now be hard and erect. If oral sex is on the menu, now, is an ideal time. For many people oral sex is highly intimate and requires a great deal of trust, so, once again I stress the importance of empathy, tune-in and sense your responses. This needs to be performed gently, no teeth or biting unless requested

Now is your entry time and this should also be a smooth transition. Some men feel compelled to dive in hands free and too often they miss and stab their mate. You really don’t need to impress a woman with this ability, no woman cares about your guiding your penis in by feeling your way. Kissing a woman passionately at this point is a great idea, as it’s exciting to have a tongue enter your mouth at the same time a penis enters a vagina. It also re-affirms to the woman that you are still connected to her and haven’t forgotten her, now that she has let you in. Hard, deep thrusts or gentle teasing, or mini-thrusts are a matter of choice and responses. The actual lovemaking should be left to your own body and the response of your partner. This is the dance, and you will do well to get your own ideas out of the way and allow your body to tell you what it wants.

To return to Tantra tradition, you should allow your attention to go to your heart, and imagine love is flowing from you into the heart of your lover. You imagine or focus on that love moving down her spine through her vagina, and up through your penis back into your heart. This is not just extremely connecting, but also allows sexual energy to rise through your body, rather than build exclusively in the genital areas. Your lover should also be imagining the same cycle of love and ideally your breathing should be synchronized. Your breath can be in on her out breath, or you may both breathe in and out in unison. Breathing increases stamina, synchronises rhythm, and helps to move energy throughout your body.

Looking into your partner’s eyes for as long as you are comfortable is deeply connecting and conveys your love, if it is genuine. Speaking softly, honestly and lovingly also increases and maintains your connection. You will need to pay some attention to thrusting, as it’s important to stop or slow down when you feel near orgasm. You need to let your excitement decrease, but not so much that you lose your erection or interest. It is very tempting to cum when you hit your first peak, you really will want to drive yourself home - but don’t.

By allowing your excitement to decrease and then gently rebuilding it, you will take yourself and your partner to an increased level of excitement. We usually keep our sexual energy in the pelvic area but by slowing or stopping movement and then mentally drawing that energy up through you and out through your heart you are filling the whole body with orgasmic energy. At first, you may only be able to do this once or twice as it may become too much and the desire to go with it can be too great - that’s O.K -you will certainly have a deeper, longer, and more powerful orgasm than you may have experienced before. However, with practise, you will find it easier to last longer, and the longer you delay orgasm, the more you build energy, and this energy can be taken from the pelvic area and channelled throughout the body.

This practise takes the emphasis away from orgasm and channels pleasure throughout the body. Instead of the ‘Big bang finale’, you will be experiencing waves and waves of pleasure throughout the entire process. It’s like having a solid ball of orgasm and letting it all dissolve into your blood stream, so that every cell within you becomes orgasmic. This is the sense of ecstasy many desire and attain. Most people fall more deeply in love with their partners, and really do feel they have merged with them. I have never tried this with someone that I have not been deeply in love with, and my guess is that it might not be possible. It requires deep and genuine love to make the initial connection as well as a great deal of trust and respect. When that depth of love is there to begin with, then this practise will add to it, expand it, and take it into a realm that is as close to ecstasy or spirituality as we can go. Many people who have experienced this will feel that they have merged their soul, and experienced a love so deep that it is not uncommon to cry or almost pass out from its beauty. This kind of love cannot be faked. When sharing another person’s energy in this way it can only ever be genuine.

Of course, slow, gentle, seductive foreplay and prolonging sex by building desire in waves, will bring about an amazing excitement, enjoyment and a deeper, stronger orgasm. We all need and deserve satisfying sex, and we are all capable of achieving it. Ideally, we all want to be deeply in love and connected to someone, but that is not always where we are. If you have a lover then you have the opportunity to improve the quality of the relationship, and you owe it to yourself and your lover to do so. Being lazy, indifferent, or just not taking responsibility, is a crime against yourself as well as your partner.

Too often, women expect men to do all the work and act like a stiff and unresponsive workbench. Women need to take responsibility for their own sexual pleasure, and become active participants. We need to get over our self-consciousness, or this stupid belief that a male ego is so fragile that we dare not suggest that anything is wrong. Men are eager to please, and are willing to exert an enormous amount of energy to please us. I think it’s about time we responded in ways that said, “Yes, I like that” or “No that’s not quite it”.

Women who fake orgasms need to re-think the whole idea. Faking an orgasm will result in your lover thinking he did everything right, and take your orgasm as approval. You are sending a message to continue doing what he’s doing – well, if it’s not getting you off, then why are you encouraging it? Too often woman won’t say that they are being rushed, won’t verbalise their needs, or won’t give any response to indicate pleasure, but will instead use ‘withholding sex’ as retaliation. A man does not understand that “I’ve got a headache” might mean, “I want cunnalingus”. If you can’t give a straight verbal message, then at least give a physical response. Lying in the ‘corpse position’ is a little bit too subtle don’t you think? Too often, relationships revolve around her avoiding it, and him begging for it, and both people are left feeling resentment towards each other. Even when the relationship has deteriorated to this level, she still won’t say why she doesn’t want sex anymore. Usually, it comes out in a vicious argument, and he is left totally humiliated or devastated, when he finds out she has been staring at the ceiling for the past five years, while he has been banging away. All that “Yes, yes, yes baby”, didn’t mean I’m coming at all, it actually meant get it over with and leave me alone.

Throughout this page, I have stressed the importance of being ‘Tuned-In’ to your lover, and it may have seemed that I was speaking to men only – this is not so. Men have unfairly been accused of being less sensitive and less emotional than women. It is often assumed that men do not need to be touched, nurtured, or re-assured and this is not the case. Men are definitely emotional and sensitive beings, and good sex requires expressions of emotion and sensual pleasure by both genders. Men’s bodies may feel big and strong compared to ours, but that doesn’t mean that penises need to be yanked off their base. Men love to be touched, and male skin is as responsive to touch as female skin. Men also need to feel desirable and attractive, and most importantly it’s time women stopped acting like they are doing a man a favour by having sex with him. Good sex requires give and take, and good sex for both genders includes mental, emotional and physical exchange.

On occasion, a man may cum a little early and he will quite often be left feeling like he has let you down. It is pretty decent if he has the energy to get you off manually, but sometimes he may just be too spent. Rather than gaze at him accusingly, or make some sarcastic remarks, or just lie there feeling let down, take yourself in hand and bring yourself home. For goodness sake, the man has seen you naked, entered your body and tasted your vaginal fluids by now, surely he is not going to be shocked by your ability to touch yourself.

Some people do not have a partner and do not wish to have casual sex, but still have sexual desires and needs. Some of us have been so deeply conditioned about masturbation, that we still feel shame or guilt about it. If you really do think masturbation is wrong or sinful, then you really must have a very candid and logical discussion with yourself. Whose belief system are you operating under? If more people (particularly women) would masturbate more often then we would all know more about our sexuality and we would all be sexually satisfied. Yes, you do need to be sexually satisfied; sexual satisfaction makes you healthier, reduces tension in the body, and enhances well-being on all levels. It also feels very very nice. I’m sure you probably think that you have no hang-ups about masturbation, but let me ask you this, “What kind of masturbator are you?” Could it be, that you yourself, treat yourself indifferently, or more precisely, are you a wham-bam-thank-you-maam lover with yourself? We are all very quick to complain about insensitive lovers, and yet when it comes to pleasing ourselves, we go straight to the “quickie”. Masturbation does not have any rules, and you really can have your own way with yourself. Perhaps you may have never considered that you can tease and touch and seduce yourself. Maybe you have never explored touching anything other than your genitals in a mad rush to get yourself over and done with. Many women do not look at their genitals from one year to the next. It doesn’t take too much effort to hold a hand mirror, and you might quite enjoy watching yourself touching yourself and responding. Do you taste or smell yourself, or have you even considered loving yourself with your heart and mind while you are masturbating. Sexual satisfaction and pleasure is available to all of us, but too often we are too busy, too disconnected, or too self-conscious to fully experience and enjoy it.

I do not offer this information as any kind of sex manual, nor do I present myself as any kind of sex expert, I am hoping that I may have inspired you to think through your own sexuality and free yourself of erroneous and limiting beliefs about your body and sexuality. This is not a manual; it is simply a presentation of some ideas or insights to encourage the reader to fully explore sex as an expression of love. I wish you the experience of sex as a sacred ritual, with many deeply, loving and fulfilling moments.

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Sonya Green is a writer producer and course facilitator specialising in personal growth and meditation techniques. www.reinventingmyself.com

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