Relationship Skills
Author: Jan Maizler

Relationship skills are the tools that build deep function- al relationships.The most important amongst them are
1.Self-ownership
2.Good listening behavior
3.Effective needs negotiation
4.Ability to stay in the present moment
5.Toleration of differences
6.On good behavior forever
7.Golden Silence
8.Nonreactivity
9.Ability to internalize and work through conflicts
10.Readiness to provide emotional support
11.Sensitivity to partner's feelings

SELF OWNERSHIP- If partners are willing to assume ownership of their feelings and behaviors, a strong healthy foundation is created. If either partner feels bad, they are willing to embrace that feeling as THEIRS, and will communicate that feeling to the other partner as an "I" message. such as, " I am tired, angry, etc."

GOOD LISTENING BEHAVIOR- Good listening creates an atmos- phere of mutuality, respect, self-control, and communica- tion simplicity. In relationships, good listening requires clearing one's mind and hearing the other's utterances with- out any inner clutter.

EFFECTIVE NEEDS NEGOTIATION- Each partner has their own needs that inevitably will differ from the other partner. This occurs even in highly compatible relationships. Effectiveness in gratifying these needs differences involves the old-fashioned art of compromise. Compromise allows each partner's needs to be gratified in a smaller or postponed measure for the good of maintaining relationship harmony.

ABILITY TO STAY IN THE PRESENT MOMENT- One of the biggest sources of relationship difficulty is the inability to stay in the present moment. Distortions in the communications process are often caused by the listener contaminating the process with their inner historical issues. Problems they encountered in past relationships influence their behavior with their current partner.

TOLERANCE OF DIFFERENCES- Any difference between two peeople is a potential for conflict. Conflict breaks out when needs negotiation fail and tolerance is absent. No two people are alike, even the highly compatible. The most functional rela- tionships strive to neutralize as many incompatiblities be- tween the partners as possible, compromising the differences when possible, and tolerating the differences when not.

ON GOOD BEHAVIOR FOREVER- A garden needs sunlight, water, nutrients, and bug maintenance, and so do relationships! Often people get the crazy idea that relationships are self- maintaining, and without the necessary active, ongoing care, the garden-relationship withers and dies.We should always be on good behavior in our relationships. Why would we not be! The sunlight, water, and nutrients of good behavior are tact, politeness, and gratitude.
*Tact means thinking about our words and behavior before they are "released" by us; particularly how it will effect our partner.
*Politeness refers somewhat differently to the formal respect and importance we give to our partner, such as please, and thank you.
*Gratitude is an attitude that expresses our appreciation not just for our partner's efforts, but particularly for who they are, and for the radiance they bring to the rela- tionship. Politeness is saying "thank you"; gratitude is being thankfull.

GOLDEN SILENCE- In deep relationships, words are often essential, but at times, words can be COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. The times when Golden Silence should prevail is when words and facts will cause the partner to suffer, and also times when silence can be used to prevent the upward spiralling of conflict, such as a "time out". Silence, however, should never be used as a weapon of chilly anger, withdrawal, or rejection.

NONREACTIVITY- Nonreactivity is a special relationship skill that is dependent on one's temperament, communication style, frustration tolerance, listening ability, insight, and humility. It is a challenging skill for some people to de- velop. Partners who are competitive, immature, litigious, aggressive, or addicted to being "right" are at the highest risk for reactivity. This skill needs ongoing monitoring and perfection, so calmness versus conflict will prevail.

ABILITY TO INTERNALIZE AND WORK THROUGH CONFLICT- When we are able to solve our problems internally, we sometimes feel some personal discomfort, but we avoid the potentially greater discomfort of drawing our partner into a problem that may be entirely our own. This can create considerable simplicity, when it is either unnecessary or nonproductive to involve our partner in personal conflict resolution. For instance endlessly coming home to someone and complaining repeatedly about the same problem without fixing it can cause eventual damage.

READINESS TO PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT- Firm relationships are maintained when it is clear to both parties that each person is committed to providing the interventions needed to help the other when necessary and appropriate. This indicates active caring that increases comfort and safety between people.

SENSITIVITY TO PARTNER'S FEELINGS- Sensitivity to the other partner's feelings provides emotional support, but is a far more ongoing state NOT CONTINGENT on a problem situation, but rather a demonstration and commitment because of the other person's importance to us.








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Jan Maizler, MSW,LCSW, is a veteran psycho- therapist practicing in Miami, Florida. He has authored six books and over eighty articles. He can be reached through 305-866- 1225, or www.transformationhandbook.com.

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