The Abilities to Love
Author: J. Bailey Molineux

Loving yourself, firstly, and then loving your spouse are the two keys to a successful marriage. Note that this implies you can't do anything directly to make your spouse more loving but you can do plenty to work on yourself. Hopefully, as a result of the love you generate, your spouse will become more loving.

But what exactly does it mean to love yourself and how can you love your spouse in ways that can improve your marriage? What are the specific abilities involved in these two types of love?

When you love yourself in healthy, marriage-enhancing ways, it means you can do the following:

Recognize, listen to and honor your emotions and needs in relation to your spouse. They are there for your benefit. They tell you what is important to you and what you want from your spouse.
Express your wants and feelings to your spouse in constructive, non-demanding ways. You're able to tell your spouse how hurt and angry you are and what you want from her.

These first two abilities create what I call clear "I positions" in two people with a solid sense of themselves who are then capable of achieving deep intimacy. This intimacy will not come without conflict, however. In a truly intimate relationship, spouses do not deny their own needs and emotions for the sake of harmony. Rather, it is through conflict that they grow closer together.
Validate yourself or self-soothe in the face of temporary hurt, rejection, or anger from your spouse. When your spouse doesn't respond the way you would like, you can calm yourself down regardless of what he does. The source of your strength and comfort is within you and not your spouse. Since it takes two to make a fight, when one or both of you self-soothes, some fights can be avoided or aborted.
Refuse to tolerate unacceptable behavior in your spouse. When I suggest that you self-soothe in the face of conflict, I'm referring to minor issues which inevitably occur whenever two people live together for years. But if your spouse is doing things which are really harmful to you, you're able to declare you will no longer tolerate such behavior and mean it.

To love your spouse in healthy ways, you can do the following:
See them as a separate person with legitimate emotions, needs and perceptions of their own. You're not threatened by the difference in your spouse but rather celebrate it. They are not an extension of your ego or there only to meet your needs.
Empathize with your spouse. Validate his views and emotions as important to him. Empathy doesn't mean you agree with your spouse, however. You may have a different view of the same situation which is equally valid for you.
Respond to your spouse non-contingently. Her behavior does not always influence your behavior. You can be loving towards her without demanding she be loving in return. You don't have to respond to her anger with your own anger.
Make your spouse's emotions and needs as important as your own. This is obviously an ideal which may take years to achieve. But there are times when loving your spouse means doing things for him you don't want to do simply because you love him.

Marriage provides us with a wonderful opportunity to grow up, to become more mature, loving and selfless individuals. But there is a paradox here: by learning to love ourselves more, we can love others more. By becoming more self-nurturing and assertive, we can become more giving. By insuring our cups of love are full, we can have more love to offer to others.






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J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy Copyright 2002 J. Bailey Molineux and http://selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to http://selfhelpbooks.com.

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