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Conflict Resolution: Negotiating a Truce
Author: Terry Rich Hartley, Ph.D.
Conflicts come in all forms and levels of intensity. Some are the result of misunderstandings between friends, and they can be resolved with a simple apology. Other conflicts aren’t so easy to resolve. They are emotionally intense and often come about over time. The parties then have to decide if the friendship, partnership, marriage or whatever relationship is worth repairing. Notice I said “parties” in the plural. It takes two to tango, and it takes at least two to negotiate. That’s because communication forms the core of any negotiation. Let’s look at how it works.
Twelve steps for resolving conflicts
1. Initiate communication
Someone has to utter some version of the famed statement, “Houston, we have a problem.” Only now it will be, “Darling . . . friend . . . partner, we have a problem. Would you be willing to try a few steps to resolve it?”
2. Listen to one another’s goals
Listening to each others’ goals helps you discover compatible interests, learn each others’ priorities, and discover mutual goals.
3. Define mutual goals
Clearly define one or more shared goals that require cooperative effort. For example, if you’re in a troubled marriage, a mutual goal might be debt reduction, which you can achieve only by working together.
4. Discuss outside influences
Both parties are influenced by other people, other problems, and even other successes. This is an opportunity to increase mutual self-awareness about what things and events are affecting your relationship.
5. Unite against outside negativity
For example, say your closest buddy is Friend A. Your mutual Friend B distorts things you say about Friend A and things friend A says about you. You and Friend A might have to unite and tell Friend B that you expect honesty from that person.
6. Recognize your differences
You began the process of recognizing differences in item 2. Now, however, discuss your differences in personality. Each of you is unique. Respect that.
7. Offer support for each other’s limitations
In relationships, whether business, friendship, or love, each person has personal strengths and weaknesses. Use your strengths to shore up the other’s weaknesses, and vice versa.
8. Be honest
Carry your share of the work, realistically face your differences, and accept the fact that no one — including you — is perfect.
9. Negotiate in good faith
Don’t try to gain advantage over the other person during this process. You’re not merely trying to gain the other’s compliance. You are trying to set terms of a truce.
10. Discuss reasonable compromises
If you have to list possible compromises on paper and cross out ones that don’t look so reasonable to one of you, do so. “Reasonable” means acceptable and doable by both parties.
11. Set reasonable and beneficial rules
Many rules should be apparent by the time you reach this step. Work on these together so future conflicts won’t grow out of proportion.
12. Show respect
Showing respect is something all of us know how to do, because it is the way we like to be treated. Yep, this is the old, tried-and-true Golden Rule.
Making it all the way through the process isn’t easy. Indeed, negotiations can break down at any point. When that happens, you might need a break, or you may even need to back up an item or two or go all the way back to the starting line. But it is worth it if your relationship is worth having. Completing all twelve steps can lead to some astounding results. If nothing else, you will make strides in self-discovery, and that’s personal growth!
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Dr. Hartley is a social psychologist, a scientist, and the author of Tyrants of Self-Concept: Ruling the Rulers, a 122-page ebook that thoroughly covers self-concept formation, including goal-setting principles, steps for improving your relationships, taking control of your life, and living the life you want to live. It includes easy-to-relate-to stories, examples, humor, and concrete, practical worksheets and exercises that get results fast. To learn more about how you can apply the principles, click here: www.rulingtherulers.com
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