Fix Your Brain
Author: Kevin James

What others think of you.

Why is it that we care what others opinions about us are? Often it is because we believe that their opinions are so much more important than our own. Isn't this a strange concept? Why should we care more about what other people think about us than what we think about ourselves, especially when no one can possibly know us as well as we can know ourselves.

One of the reasons you should limit how important others opinions of you are is that often you will find people have a very limited concept of what they themselves can be and will therefore try to impose those limits on what others are and can be. These limits are not necessarily something that is done consciously or with malice (although it can be), perhaps it's something they learned as they were growing up. Nevertheless, being what they know it is what they will send out into the world. For this reason you should be careful about whose ideas and opinions you seek out.

There can be many people who's ideas and opinions can be important to you, but who you shouldn't listen to. If they tell you negative things such as 'you can't do that', or 'It will never work out' then those opinions can be harmful to you and your quest to better yourself. There are however, people out there who you should listen to and actively seek help from. Those are the people who will help you and guide you in your goals, whatever they may be. It may take you some searching to find them but it will be worth any time or effort involved. Generally find someone who is at a place in his or her life that you yourself would like to be. Having themselves done what you want to do, they are at least qualified to impart their knowledge or wisdom. So... are you limiting yourself and who you can be through others opinions? It is worthwhile investigating to see where and when this is happening to you. When you find it occurring then you need to do something about it.

Some examples of people who might be limiting you can be found in places you might not realize. For instance;
It could be a husband not expecting or wanting a change in their spouse or it could be a husband wanting more for his family and the wife fretting about his changes in behavior, being afraid of change.
An example is where your children only think of you as their parent and get upset if you try to be more.
It could be parents not expecting a child to change even though now an adult, they are not expected to be more than the person they have known all their lives.
It could be the people you know not wanting you to have something they don't themselves have.

Peer group pressure can be the problem of people that know you and who expect you to be always as you are now. It may not matter to them that your life can be changed for the better their expectations are of you as you are and how they have known you to be. In general people don't like change, which is strange when we consider that change is the nature of the universe, and as a species if we don't change then we stagnate and die.
Change is what this book is about.
To change yourself to be what you want and need to be and not what others want you to be. To change yourself and the self-limiting habits of a lifetime. You can use the techniques in this book to change your mind and they way you think about things, use it to throw off the limitation's imposed by yourself or by others.

You are an individual, unique and with your own strengths and talents, you need not limit yourself to what other people believe you can do since those limits are in reality their own.
Allow me to relate a story to you.
As a young man I grew up in a small country town that had many problems with unemployment and alcoholism and violence. Because I lived in one of the poorer areas of this town, I witnessed many acts of violence when I was young. And since I grew up in a lower class family we had a lot of issues with limitations imposed from within and without, including the limitations of the peer group I was in. When I was 10 years old, my older brothers banded together and kicked our father out of the house because of his alcoholism and also due to the regular beatings our mother would receive when he was drunk. I cannot in all honesty, say whether my father was really a bad man since the situations he had been exposed to and his own inability to change or even see the need for change, caused him to have issues I can know nothing about. I just know the legacy that was left in place at the time. Our father was moved out and after a few years was very sick due to some shrapnel that he had caught while serving in a war. He was hospitalized and died when I was 13.

It is obvious it was not a happy home and these would be some of the reasons that my brothers and sisters left as soon as they were old enough, which was before my father was ejected from our home. I was left to grow up in this small town with a mother who had a low opinion of herself and with siblings that had moved on with their own lives. It was also at this time that one of my brothers had gotten into criminal activities and spent time in prison for petty crimes, an event that can scar a young mind.
I could see my future planned out for me. Go to school until I was old enough to leave, then get a job doing manual labor or one of the 'dirtier' trades, get married and have children, stay in poverty most of my life and never leave or maybe get in trouble with the police and spend time in prison. That was not for me and early on I decided that I would do better with my life and wouldn't go down that path. I would breakout of what I saw as a dead-end existence.
Perhaps being the youngest of the family I could see how the rest of the family was doing and this helped inform me of my choices. Whatever the reasons, I knew I didn't want to be stuck there forever.
There is much wrong with a way of life that has no future.
I decided to make a change and I did. That was one of the differences between others and myself, I knew that I wanted to change badly enough to make it happen. When I started to make something of myself that was better than what and where I had been, I ran into a lot of pressure to stay where and how I was. I found that family and friends would say negative things about me since they felt I was no longer one of them. It was difficult at the time but in hindsight I understand now what was happening back then. My wanting to change things to be better for myself must have seemed like a slap in the face to them and they probably took it as a personal insult.

Several times at various family gatherings, it was implied that I was too good for them and I was 'slumming it' as if for some reason they thought that my doing things to improve my life made me think and act as if they were no longer good enough. My outward appearance had changed and I was certainly dressing better, but at no time did I do anything that would imply such things, since I cared for them all. It was also implied that I should be feeling bad for wanting something better than what they had. I didn't realize at the time but the only reason they would say such a comment was if subconsciously they knew they could do better and yet hadn't. When I went out and did better than they it made them feel they had failed somehow and instead of applauding my success's and supporting me to be better still, it was resented and attempts were made to stop me from getting out.

This can happen to you, but don't let others keep you down. The reasons I am sharing this is to give some background about myself and where I was when I was a young man. Life has changed much since those days and although at the time it was unpleasant, I would not knowingly change the past since that would change the person I am today and I am happy being me.

Some important things to be to be mindful of are;
Don't let others stop you from doing something to change your life for the better.
If you are unhappy and want to change yourself you can, although sometimes it will be hard. It will also be worth it.
Be careful of who's opinion you seek.

So lets do something about it.
Get yourself some paper and a pen or pencil and lets see what we can figure out about whether people are the limiting factor in your life. Here are some questions to ask yourself about your friends and family and how they have either responded to situations or how you feel they would respond to an event where someone has something they don't have. Write down what their responses would be.

Exercise 1.

Q1. Have you heard anyone tell you what they thought someone else was thinking, e.g. “Oh, she thinks we're not good enough for her”

Q2. How about the phrase, “Why should he have all the luck”.

Q3. Or “I hope their new car breaks down, that will teach them”.

Q4. Maybe even, “They don't deserve that new raise”.

Q5. What about, “They went to Europe for Christmas, oh lah de dah”.

There are many variations on those questions of course, the point is to try and work out whom you know that will react in a negative manner if you try to better yourself.

When you find such people be careful what you tell them about your plans to improve yourself or your situation, as you will find yourself the focus of their negative emotions and words. When you find someone who wants to keep you down there are few things you can do to change them since the change would have to come from within themselves. If they are someone important to you and you want to at least try, there are several things you can do to see if you can change their opinions about you or what you are going through. You should be aware though that they might only seem to change their opinions and in reality still feel that way. It is easier to change yourself than others unless they want to change.


Things you can do.

Explain to them why you want to change yourself and your life.
Talk to them about why they want you to fail, don't they care about you enough to help you succeed?
Ask them why they have such a negative attitude towards you bettering yourself?

As you improve yourself and where you are in life you will find yourself drifting away from the people that are holding you back anyway. Although it can be sad, it's normal and a part of life and you should let it happen. If they are true friends they will care more about you and helping you to grow than about themselves and trying to keep you down. They also don't realize you may be in a position in the future to help any of them get them out of their ruts, if they were only able to see it, maybe their opinions would change.

When you find people who are supportive and helpful with your goals, cherish them, as they are important to you. You should also seek out those people who will help you in life. As you move towards your goals you will find helpful people seem to just spring into your life, usually at just the right time you need them. There is a serendipity to the world where, provided you keep your eyes and your mind open, events occur to you as you need them to occur and new friends and acquaintances will come into your life just when you need them. This sounds unlikely but it happens all the time. Be open and ready for them and reach out to the opportunities that present themselves.


Thank you. This concludes the sample chapter of
FIX YOUR BRAIN

You can find more information about this electronic book at
www.fixyourbrain.com






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Kevin James has had an interest in self improvement for over 25 years. Working through many issues as a child he has risen from a poor working class family in a small country town, to be someone who has taken his own future in his hands. After being a Computer Engineer for over 16 years he decided that a life long love of writing and reading was his goal as a profession. His new book "Fix Your Brain" is his first self help book, available now in electronic form.

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