Happiness and Expectations
Author: Becky Myhre

"Sometimes, to create the life you want, you must become a detective and look for the underlying causes that could be holding you back. One area to examine is your expectations. Everyone has expectations. We use them to motivate as well as evaluate, and they are an integral part of life. Expectations range from the surface to the deeply buried, and it's these core expectations which have a significant effect on your life.

It helps to think of your unconscious as a military general. Realization of these core expectations is the general's job and the general sets up courses of action designed to achieve that end. If your expectations are fear-based, defenses are erected to protect against any perceived threat to the expectation's fulfillment. This is where defensive needs are born and why you sometimes experience blocks. The blocks occur when your core expectations are at odds with your conscious goals. Conversely, the general carries out elaborate campaigns that attract to you love-based expectations. This is when effortless ease occurs. So, check in with your general and become aware of your core expectations.

It's easy to confuse expectations and beliefs. Let's start by looking at the difference. The dictionary defines an expectation as, "to anticipate in the mind some occurrence or outcome." A belief is defined by the dictionary as, "an assent or act of assenting to something offered for acceptance. Belief may suggest mental acceptance without directly implying certitude or certainty on the part of the believer." Consequently, expectations are what you anticipate happening based on your's or someone else's experience. Conversely, you accept beliefs as real without proof of existence or previous experience. Both create the structures of your life.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Expectations have a profound impact on your life because they are future-oriented. You are reacting to and judging certain experiences based on what you anticipate happening, or what has happened in the past. You are not reacting from the present moment. This is great if the expectation is working in harmony with your goals. Problems arise, however, when your core expectations are the opposite of your desires. If you expect living your dream to be impossible, then you will experience difficulties--even though your conscious desire is to live your dream.

Therefore, it's important to become aware of your core expectations. To do so, you have to become a detective and look at all areas of your life. The first place to look is your everyday language. What are your favorite sayings? What words do you use over and over?

For example, I know a high powered woman who is designing and leaving a fantastic legacy for future generations. This woman constantly uses the words "critical" and "need to." What do you think her life is like? Her schedule is usually action-packed. If something occurs which is outside of the schedule, it becomes a crises. Also, quite often, things which "need" to be done or attended to, happen at the same time. Again, this creates a pressure-cooker.

So, from these clues, what do you think her core expectation is? It's hard to say without more information--this is just one piece of the puzzle. However, her key phrases reveal a need for pressure. This stress gives her energy and makes her feel alive. If she was trying to find her core expectations, she might want to look underneath the need for pressure. That's where a fear-based expectation lurks. Does she need to change this expectation? Not if she's willing to live with the pressure and the physical toll it takes on her. However, if she wants to leave the world a legacy without hurting her body from the stress, she might want to make some changes. It's her choice.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another tool helpful in locating a hidden expectation is the phrase, "I come from a place of...." What is your answer to the question? Now, look and see if what you say corresponds with the structures of your everyday life. Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend. She said, "I come from a place of acceptance. I just expect everyone to accept me as I am." Yet, if you listen to her words, she constantly says, "And that's OK." There's a reassuring tone to those words. Her other pet phrase is, "That's just the way I am." Here, there's some defensiveness. What is she really saying? What is the defensiveness about? It's about being judged. She's often felt judged by her family for who she is and the choices she has made. She actually feels extremely vulnerable and fragile. You would never know that if you met her. It's well hidden, yet it affects her life.

The structures in your life also tell a story. For example, I have designed a life that is quite solitary. I write and I work off of the internet. I speak with clients by phone. I run workshops by phone. Due to inner changes I've made this year, I've grown apart from my friendship base and haven't really put much effort into building a new one. What do you think these structures say about me? They tell me I'm independent, I'm energized by inner work, and I'm loner. They tell me to dig deeper.

Let's add feelings into the mix. I haven't wanted to be around a lot of people because I feel exhausted after being around them. I also don't feel comfortable sharing what's been going on in my life. The new me feels like a flower which is just beginning to bloom. I feel the need to protect myself. For instance, I've had a message left on my phone where a friend has said, "Hi, I was hoping to tap into your energy, give me a call." I reacted by not returning the call. My brother had a 30th birthday party and I felt uncomfortable during it. I felt like I wanted to crawl into a shell and hide while observing everyone. I felt jealous of my brother's ability to socialize and enjoy himself. What is this telling me? What is this saying about me?

I experienced a flash where I was able to connect all the dots. I clearly saw I was coming from a place of self-protection. This then lead me to my core expectation--I expect to be hurt. The hurt occurs in different ways. Judgment, disapproval, rejection, and scarcity are all forms of hurt I feel the need to protect myself from. Looking back, I clearly see why I expect to be hurt. I'm highly sensitive and as a child I didn't know how to handle it--nor did anyone else. So, when I felt any emotion, I really felt it! Every perceived rejection and failure has left an indelible mark.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once I became aware, I saw other ways I've protected myself. I used to hide behind the smoke of my cigarettes. I'd drink a few drinks daily to allow my true self to come out and play, while stopping the inner pain for a short time. The excess weight protected me from receiving certain things I desired but also feared.

To fill the need to protect myself, I've built structures that have allowed me to feel safe. When I started my rapid personal growth cycle in January, these structures still served me. Slowly I changed and many structures simply went away. I stopped smoking and drinking. I changed the way I felt about myself. I took risks and found the courage to start living my dream. Now I've encountered a couple of barriers which have the potential of stopping me. I've been reacting to distractions and I've been engaging in self-sabotaging thinking. If I don't change this expectation, it's a matter of time before I bring this thinking into reality. Can you see how what was once a healthy expectation is now unhealthy?

Consequently, I've decided to consciously change the expectation that I need to protect myself or I will be hurt. This is where self-communication comes in. First, I decided I wanted to come from a place of trust, abundance and love. I designed an affirmation that reflected these qualities as if they were already in my life. Then, I started listening to the words I was using and the things I was saying to myself. Every time I heard a self-protective thought, I'd change it immediately to reflect my new expectation. This required constant energy and awareness. I talked to and reassured myself as I would a child. As I was going to sleep and immediately upon waking, I'd repeat my affirmation. I'd also use it in meditation.

I decided to "assume the sale" by acting as if I already had the new expectation in place. Whenever I was about to react, I asked myself, "How would a person who comes from a place of abundance, trust and love react?" This simple question allowed me to take action in the way I desired. It helped me to come from a place of conscious choice. When I started doing that, the old expectation gave way to the new one.

Because this is a process, the old expectation reappears now and then. When I feel fear, I repeat the previous exercises. Each cycle becomes easier and takes less time. The key is to keep at it and not become discouraged.

Although, I'm still in the process of changing this core expectation, I have noticed some results. I'm effortlessly reaching out to areas I wouldn't have gone near before. I'm calmer, more peaceful and steady. My level of fear has dramatically decreased. I've quit distracting myself and I'm moving forward again. I feel good!

In conclusion, if you have effortless ease in your life, your expectations are aligned with your inner desires. Good for you. Take a moment and acknowledge how beautifully you've used your inner power to create your desires. If you are experiencing some difficulties, take a look at your core expectations and what could be causing them. Then decide if you want to keep the expectation or change it. It's your choice. Remember, this is an exciting opportunity to consciously create an aspect of your life. After all, you have the power to create your life any way you want.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

InnerConnection Exercises

Day 1
Outer Awareness Question: What external events are happening in your life right now which make you feel unhappy? In what areas do you feel like you don't have control or are feeling like a victim?
Inner Awareness Question: When do you feel "negative" emotions? In what areas of your life are you feeling stress, dissatisfaction or fear?

Day 2
Outer Awareness Question: What are your favorite words and phrases? Ask a friend, spouse or associate.
Inner Awareness Question: What are your commonly repeated thoughts? What do you say to yourself?

Day 3
Outer Awareness Question: How is your life structured?
Inner Awareness Question: What could this structure be communicating to you? What are the common elements?

Day 4
Positive Forward Movement: Take an expectation, surface or core, which you want to change. Design an affirmation that reflects your new expectation. Ask yourself, "How would a person who expects...act." Then take that action

Day 5
Perception Shift: Stay in the moment. Fear-based expectations are future-oriented and haven't happened. Design an affirmation that states how perfect this moment is for you.






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Becky Myhre has taken her natural fascination with spiritual growth, married it with her inherent teaching abilities, and turned it into her life's work. Currently, she is the author of the popular email column, The InnerConnection to Success (www.innerconnection.com). She also publishes a FREE bi-weekly email called, An InnerConnection Thought. Additionally, she hosts workshops, small group discussions and one-on-one coaching sessions for anyone who would like assistance with their inner connection. Contact Becky at becky@innerconnection.com or call 509-747-1991 for more information.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------