Something for the Fearful Flyer
Author: Thom Rutledge, Author of Embracing Fear

What do you say to the person who is afraid of flying and whose livelihood depends on traveling great distances? The truth is most of us are afraid of flying to one degree or another, ranging from mild discomfort to intense dread. Let us assume that you have a fear of flying that falls somewhere between discomfort and dread. If you are like most people, your position on this continuum will likely vary from circumstance to circumstance. Turbulent weather is a common variable that moves us toward the dread end of the scale. Plane crashes in the news are another. And of course, the recent terrorist attacks have nudged us all in that direction. Even with the odds overwhelmingly in our favor, it is pretty difficult these days to board an airplane without thinking about the possibility of hijacking.

Yet flying is a part of life. We travel on planes for work, to visit family and friends, and for vacations. For most of us, plane travel is unavoidable. And therefore it is crucial that we not ignore our fears by trying to ignore them. We all know how difficult it is to ignore the sleepless nights, anxiety filled days, and the constant state of uneasiness that we face every time flying looms in our future. There is something we can do.

If we acknowledge our fears and learn to understand them, we can find the necessary strength and calm to keep them at bay and maybe even one day learn to enjoy flying Here are six strategies to help us move beyond our fear of flying.

1. Assess your level of fear.

A problem that is not accurately defined is extremely hard to solve. Though this is a highly subjective measurement, place yourself on the continuum of mild discomfort to intense dread. Don’t try to talk yourself down the scale; just be honest with where you are.

2. Match your response to the degree of fear you are experiencing.

For instance, if you fall on the mild discomfort end of the continuum you will probably respond well to simply providing yourself an interesting distraction like a good book, a work project, or a conversation with someone during your flight. If a positive distraction will work for you, you are free to go. You probably won’t need the rest of this article. The rest of you… keep your seats.

3. Give yourself permission for natural fear.

Give yourself room to be human. There is a certain amount of fear that most of us will naturally experience when we realize that we are not in control of our circumstances. And unless you are in the cockpit or in the tower, by stepping onto that airplane you are giving up a significant amount of control to those who are. As simplistic as this sounds, it is important to respond to the natural discomfort of not being in control. Acknowledge, “of course it’s scary to not be in control.”

4. Distinguish between natural and neurotic fear.

Beyond our natural fear is a vast land of wasted energy. This applies to most of us in areas of our lives far beyond fear of flying. This is the land of neurotic fear --- the place where we devote huge amounts of energy to scaring ourselves to death. Here the neurotic fear (or The Bully) reels off all the things that could go wrong. In the case of fear of flying, The Bully will take you through visualizations of various scenes of disaster, or he might point out every little sound the airplane makes that you cannot immediately identify, suggesting that the sound may be the beginning of the end. In short, our neurotic fear is our own personal terrorist, living rent free in our minds. Once we identify this voice of neurotic fear, we are no longer imprisoned by its wild imagination.

5. Disengage from your neurotic fear.

Imagine how you would respond if on your next flight, the person in the seat next to you was listing all the things that could go wrong during the flight. How would you respond to this fatalistic, big-mouth, fellow passenger? The neurotic fear messages, your inner-Bully, is that person in the seat next to you. Don’t waste your time or any of your energy trying to will him out of existence. Accept that he is there and the only choice you have is how to deal with him. Tell him to shut up. He probably won’t, at least not for long, but it can feel good to say it. Most importantly, keep reminding yourself that you do not have to pay attention to what the Bully is telling you. When you can separate from the neurotic fear using this technique, the Bully loses considerable power and moves from a major problem to just a minor pain in the … [you choose the part of anatomy].

6. Create and seek reassurance.

Often when fear is expressed, our internal response involves some form of self-criticism, something that says, “I shouldn’t feel this way.” What a waste of response that is. The expression of fear is a request for reassurance, so why not reassure? There are two kinds of reassurance that have credibility in the case of fear of flying. The first kind is factual reassurance, the reassurance that can come from being reminded that statistically flying is much safer than driving, and that we are more likely to die from a heart attack than from falling out of the sky. This information can be helpful, but its usefulness is limited when our fear is not particularly rational to begin with. The best kind of reassurance doesn’t really seem like reassurance at all, but it will help a great deal. I call it the “I’m willing to risk it” stance. It works like this: imagine yourself standing face to face with the Bully who is telling you all about the dangers involved in flying. You stand there, facing him squarely, eye to eye. When he has had his say, take a deep breath and respond with something like this --- "O.K, Mr. Doom-and-Gloom, I hear you. I realize that no one can predict with absolute certainty the outcome of this flight, or any other. No one can predict anything with absolute certainty for that matter. I have listened to you list the possible devastating outcomes of my taking this flight, and I have considered them carefully. Here is what I have decided. While I must admit that the scenarios you describe do scare me, I honestly don’t think what you have described will happen. But since we cannot predict the future with absolute certainty, I must admit that what you describe is in fact a possibility. And having considered all of this, I have decided that I am willing to take the risk.”

The truth is the nature of life is uncertainty, and we hate it. We want promises and guarantees, but ultimately there are no such guarantees that will change the uncertain nature of life. In this way, our fear of flying is an excellent metaphor for our bigger fear of life. The more often we can stand up to the Bullies within us and say, “Maybe you are right, maybe the worst will happen, but I don’t think so,” and “I am willing to risk it,” the stronger we will become. The circumstances in life will not have changed, but we will have changed. Do this and you will be practicing courage --- not just the courage to get on the next scheduled flight, but more importantly, the courage to stand up to the Bully within you.

If you do have a fear of flying --- since they don’t offer fearful flyer miles --- put these guidelines to work. Don’t expect perfection of the guidelines or of yourself. Just put them into practice. The key to mastery of anything is repetition. The sign on my wall that reminds of this reads, “Practice makes… practice.”








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Thom Rutledge is a psychotherapist and author of several books. This article is an excerpt from Embracing Fear (HarperSanFrancisco 2002). For more information, e-mail the author at thomrut@us.inter.net or visit his web site http://www.webpowers.com/thomrutledge

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