Open Sexual Communication
Author: Dr. Joan D. Atwood

Jim and Mary are a typical middle-class Americna couple. They've been married for ten years, and both work at careers they enjoy. Two or three times a year they go on vacation; either a romantic cruise to the Caribean or a ski excursion to Switzerland.

Both are attractive and successful in their own way. Jim is forty-five years old but looks younger. He keeps physically fit by being active in diferent sports. Mary, thirty eight, is a dynamic, bubbly woman, articulate and friendly. Their friends describe them as a couple very much in love; they seem to have the ideal marriage.

Jim and Mary have always been faithful to each other. The problem, by their definition, is that they have not made love in over four years. Both of them are ocncerned that it's beginning to have a negative effect upon their marriage. Deciding finally to deal constructively with the issue, the couple choose to go for sex counseling to attempt to work out the problem before its gets too late.

Marilyn and Peter, ages thirty-eight and forty one, also have problems: Marilyn is not interested in having sex with Perter. They've been married twelve years and have four children. Like Jim and Mary, the quality of their relationship appears good to the outside world. In relaity, they're unhappy with the sexuality (or non-sexuality) in their marriage. Peter is sexually frustrated most of the time. As a result, he is edgy and irritable with Marilyn and the children. Marilyn would like to be "turned on" sexually but doesn't want to force herself to have sex with Peter when she doesn't really want to. They also decide to go for sex counseling as a ;last resort.

These individuals were not communicating well. Realizing that they were making love less and less, Jim and Mary developed an unspoken agreement not to discuss the matter; theis remained in effect for nearly five years. If they had only communicated openly and honestly, their problems may have been alleviated.

Similarly, Marilyn and Peter also agreed not to discuss their problem. Marilyn felt that Peter was emotionally distant and no longer in love with her. Peter felt he was second in importance to Marilyn; the children always seemed to come first. Unfortunately, they didn't communicate their fears to each other, and the problems persisted and intensified.

Communicating openly about feelings and emotions is often difficult; but communicating openly about sexuality is more difficult necause of the still- prsent negative social mores and attitudes about sexuality. There are, however, a number of techniques which couples can employ to help their "sexual communications."

Don't Collect Trading Stamps; Deal With The Issues Immediately When an individual walks away from an interaction without having communicated a need or a feeling, the situation is ripe for "collecting a trading stamp." Years ago, people collected scores of trading stamps to cash them in later for some large proze. Some individuals save up petty annoyances, little angry feelings, insecurities, r anxieties to cash them in later for some deeper feeling. The result is usually a major arguement. If the small feeling or anxiety had been ocmmunicated when it occurred, the result could have led to aa resolution with closure and elimination of the negative feeling.

For example, one evening, after having sex with his wife, the husband thinks everything is all all right and leans over to kiss her goodnight. He realizes something is wrong when she turns away, rejecting his kiss. After half an hour of qurstioning, the wife finally admits that she didn't like one of hislovemaking techniques. The husband is tender and apologetic and says he cetainly wouldn't have done it if he'd known how she felt. At this point, there wasn't really much he could do. Complicating the matter further was the fact that his wife had enjoyed the technique until recently. She hadn't informed her husband of her chnge of heart; she though "he would just know."

People often get anxious about certain sexual bejhaviros. A husband may be uncomfortable when his wife performs a certain sexual behavior because of a childhood socialization process which may have involved negative attitudes about sexuality or that specific behavior. He may feel it is degrading and thus feels guilty when she performs it. If he will communicate this feeling at the moment he's actually feeling it, the result would possibly be the beginning of open communication with his wife in an area that might otherwise develop into serious problems.

As is obvious from the above typical example, learning to communicate about sexual matters with your partner can prevent the need for your partner to perform "mind reading" antics. Encourage each other to communicate in the here and now; it's one step toward achieving total sexual and emotional communicaiton.

Make Attempts To Reinterpret Negative Perceptions Into More Positive Ones.

What we define as real is based on our past history- - experiences, perceptions, etc. All kinds of possibilities exist ion any given set of circumstances, but we can choose which ones to perceive and how to perceive them. This selection process is ahped, molded, and created by us because of our unique psychology and the society in which we live.

Sometimes, because of various socialization factors, one may consistently choose to view him/herself negatively. Such an individual usually chooses negative statements such as "She doesn't love me. Why should she? I'm not a worthwhile person." The associated emotional state is depression. Another statement based on negative perceptions of the world in general might be, "He won't like me sexually." The thought is, "Why should he? I'm sure I don't know how to do it right." The associated emotional feeling is anxiety.

We all make such statements at one point or another; at times, they may actually be realistic perceptions. Perhaps we really are not loved or experiencedf sexually. This, however, ius not what we refer to. Our concern here is when the negative perceptions of persons and circumstances are recurring themes or typical patterns- - when the person generally chooses to see himself/herself negatively. One step to opening communications is to restate negative perceptions to include more positive ones.

For example, when you're feeling particularly negative about your sexual self. acknowledge that all possible perceptions exist. Talk to yourself; tell yourself that there are alternatives to the negative definition you're dwelling on. This kind of healthy thinking involves seeing both negative and positive aspects of your sexuality. Moving toward positive perceptions, of course, tends to be associated with less guilt, anxieties, fears, and insecurities. Gradually, you can learn to view yourself in a more realisitc, comfortable fashion.

Avoid Patterns of Communication In Which Someone Is A Loser. Aim Instead, for Two Winners.

Some couples communicate in a way that results in a winner and a loser; someone gains at the expense of the other. This can be called "zero summing." The mindset is, "If one is right, then the other must be wrong," or "If she is right, he must be selfish and inconsiderate." Ina cituality, this kind of thinking only causes two losers. When this situaiton exists, the two individuals are off balance. It is always depressing to be the loser, but in zero-summing situations, the victory of the winner is often shallow and lonely because they've won only at the expense of their partner.

Couples often use the sexual arena to act out problems they are having in nonsexual areas of their relationship. For example, a wife may feel that her husband totally controls all areas of their life, that he makes all major and minor decisions. As a result, she feels unimportant and insignificant. She may refuse to have sex with him my making up one excuse or another. In this way, she feels (often on a subconscious level) she controls at least one area of their relationship. Each time she denies his advances, she feels like she's won.

To avoid playing the zero-summing game, focus on being a team where each helps the other to win but not at the expense of the other. Int he example giuven above, it would be useful for these two individuals to honestly communicate their fears and anxieties to provide at least the atmosphere for a team approach to their problems.

Free Yourself From Prerogrammed Responses. When new suggestions are made to us which we define as negative, we generally exhibit displeasure, almost automatically- - in a preprogrammed way. Concentrate on not responding automatically; encourage each other to bracket or suspend and examine initial reactions. Think abiout alternative responses.

Try this exercise. Pick out a sexual behavior you think you might not like. Experiemtn with it in a fantasy way to see of the behavior ebcomes redefined into a mroe positive light. Perhaps you'll still consider the act unpleasant, but you will at least be able to look at it from another point of view; you'll allow yourself to see that there are other frames of reference.

Objectivity is important here. When an unpleasant sexual act is involved, help each other suspend immediate negative reactions by examining and evaluating alternatives; this may lead to a better understanding of the others' poitn of view. This exercise, by the way, doesn't only apply to sexual behaviors. It canb be used most appropriately when partners have two different points of view in any area.

Beware of Transforming Internal Anxieties and Insecurities About Self Into Critical Attacks On Others.

A common anticommunication techniqueis the "attack statement" such as "You're a jerk" or You're stupid." Often, the true source of frustration with a mate originates out of a sense of failure in oneself.

Let's assume the husband comes home from work and immediately begins yelling at his wife about the condition of the house. He may well be attacking his partner for reasons other than the messy house. He may have performance anxieties about himself in general , and particularly with sex. Perhaps he's concerned about impotence but is psychologically unable to acknowledge this negative. It's too threatening for him. With his complaint, he creates a safe situation for himself whereby his wife becomes especially angry with him and refuses him sex. Then, he doesn't need to worry about performance. His guilt and anxieties are alleviated for the moment, only to return at some later point- - probably with more intensity. Acknowledging and communicating negative feelings to the partner will rectify this situation.

Avoid Patterns of Denial/Discounting. Responsibility Shared Is More Rewarding Than Reposnsibility Denied. Once a partner has been open enough to communicate an existing problem, it is crucial that the mate not interpret it as a personal affront.

For example, if the husband in the above example communciated his fear of impotence to his wife, she could respond in several ways. She may decide tht what he's actually daying has nothing to do with impotence but rather with the fact that he no longer finds her attractive. This makes a mind reader, and the honest essage rom her husband becomes totally discounted; she substitutes what she thinks is the real reason. Now if she verbalizes this to him, he may attempt to reassure her otherwise. Even at that, the focus has now shifted away fromhis anxiety onto his wife. He must now verbalize his fears again (probably a painful and unpleasant admnission for him) if he's going to establish open communication. A further complication might be that he now becomes hesitant to communicate for fear that the conversation may center on whether ot not he thinks his wife is attractive.

Another way the wife might respond to this situation is by denying the fear: "You? Worried about impotence? Don't b ridiculous. You have no reason to worry about that. I refuse to even discuss it. You're being crazy." How does a husband respond to this type of denial? Possibly, her response will alleviate his fears momentarily; he may even agree with her. "She's right. Why should I worry about impotence. I'm just being crazy." But after awhile, the nagging fear will surface again. Now, however, he can't communjcate the fear to his partner because she's already discounted it. What typically happens in this situation is that the husband must worry "in proivate." This, unfortuantely, often serves to intensify the fear and does not allow the negative energy to dissipate. In this case, th fear and anxiety may persist and impotence may actually occur.

How should the wife react i this situation? Knowing her husband expresses true feelings, she trusts what he says; he is sincerely concerned about impootence. She does not attempt to discount what he is saying nor does she deny his fear. She attempts to create a comfortable situation by projecting a nondemanding, nonthreatening attitude. Maybe, while in the middle of lovemaking, she might focus on something else- - stroling his face, hair, chest, arms. She might attempt to get both of them to focus on sensations of warmth and tenderness. After a time, what generally happens is that the husband's fears begin to dissipate. He doesn't need to worry about impotence ebcause they're not focusing on that. Natural body sensations take over, and usually, the couple continue their lovemaking.

In this situation, both partners are winners. They both share a victory. There is nothing more rewarding than sharing some of the responsuibility for the joy that a mate is experiencing.

Listen and Look. Tune Into Your Partner.

One of the most difficult things for couples to do is to really listen to each other. Oftentimes, we may be listening to someone reporting a situation, an incident, a problem, or a feling, and we're thinking ahead for something we can say, a similar story we can share which aligns with what they're sayiung. We're listening, of course, but we're not really hearing what the person is saying. When we use this method of communciating, we lose much valuable information.

One reason why this commonly occurs is that many of us cannot tolerate silence. We feel a constant need to keep the conversation going- - silence is something to avoid. What usually occurs is that we are constantly thinking ahead to new topics to bring up while the other is talking. When we exhaust all possible topics, the conversation lapses into what we would call boredom.

Enjoy the silence. relax. Don't feel the need to control or run the converdation. Don't keep talking when there really is nothing left to say. Start listening. You may even want to create specific periods of calm and reflection when the two of you simply spend time completely alone, undisturbed, yet not "discussing" anything.

Do the following exercise: In a sitting position, face each other. Smile and maintain eye contact; keep your arms and legs uncrossed. Sit close enough to your partner to touch. At firtst you may feel uncomfortable. Continue it anyway. After a few sessions, you'll begin to relax and enjoy the experience. Occassionally, reach over and touch. This is crucial. How often couples touch each other is usually a measure of their intimacy. Everyone needs physical contact and cuddling; touching can be amore intimate expression of tenderness than sex itself.

Examine And Evaluate Feelings Of Guilt and Anxiety.

There are times when you feel guilty or anxious about certain sexual interactions you shar in. Questions yourself about where these feelings may be coming from. Have you provided yourself with information so that you can examine the intellectual basis of the negative emotion? Have you openly communicated the guilt or anxiety in the present so that your partner can respond and thereby help create closure of the negative emotion? Have you communicated the feeling so that it doesn't intensify with time, so that you don't begin to collect trading stamps? Have you attempted to translate te negative feelings into more positive ones?

Don't be afraid to delve into yourself. Acknowledge the existence of negative perceptions within yourself so you can take steps to transform them into more positive ones. Open communication provides the basis for married couples to trust. This is especially vital in the ares of sexual behavior. Ince an individual begins to communicate openly, the groundwork is laid for th mate to reciprocate. When thispositive cycle is begun, the couple has the potential for highjer levels of satisfaction leading to rewarding sexual awareness.








--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joan D. Atwood, Ph.D. is the Director of the Graduate Programs in Marriage and Family Therapy at Hofstra University. Dr. Atwood is also the Director of the Marriage and Family Clinic located in the Saltzman Community Center at Hofstra. Dr. Atwood is the past President of the New York State Association for Marriage and Family Therapists and was awarded the Long Island Family Therapist of the Year award for outstanding contributions to the field. She teaches courses in Couples Therapy, Family Therapy, Gender Issues in Marriage and Family Therapy, Sexual Issues in Marriage and Family Therapy, Families in Transition, Social Construction Theory and Therapy, Supervision and Advanced Supervision.

Dr. Atwood has published six books: Making Contact With Human Sexuality; Treatment Techniques for Common Mental Disorders; Family Therapy: A Cognitive-Behavioral Perspective; Counseling Single Parents; Family Scripts; and Challenging Family Therapy Situations. In addition, she has published numerous journal articles on Social Construction Theory and Therapy, Families in Transition, Human Sexuality Issues, and Family Health Issues. Dr. Atwood is a Clinical Member and Approved Supervisor of AAMFT; she serves on the Editorial Board of many journals in the field; she holds Diplomate Status and is a Clinical Supervisor on the American Board of Sexology; she has been elected to the National Academy of Social Workers; she is a Certified Imago Therapist; and she has served on the President's Commission for Domestic Policy.

Among her many projects, Dr. Atwood is the co-developer of the P.E.A.C.E. Program (Parent Education and Custody Effectiveness), a court based educational program for parents obtaining a divorce and the L.I.F.E. Program (Looking Into Feelings and Emotions), a school-based K-12 curriculum which helps children learn to express feelings and emotions. Dr. Atwood has made numerous TV appearances and Radio and Newspaper interviews. She is in private practice in Rockville Centre, New York, specializing in Individual, Marriage and Family Therapy.

http://members.aol.com/LIFT516/index.htm

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------