Is Your Child Safe From Sexual Abuse
Author: Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, MSW, CSW, CRT, CCH, Ph.D. (cand)

For many decades we have screamed, ranted, condemned, demanded and enacted legislation to punish perpetrators for sexual abuse of children to little avail. The news media and magazines have joined in the campaign to illuminate the problem after the damage is done. As a result of the media’s coverage of ‘strangers’ sexually abusing children we have come to believe if we teach our children about ‘stranger danger,’ we have thoroughly protected our children from this horrific crime.

The first response we form when hearing of sexual abuse or incest is denial. ‘I don’t have to be concerned about that in my community. This would never happen in my family.’ The unbelievable reality is that a person who sexually abuses children may seem very average and ordinary to the world. Furthermore, we find sexual abuse and incest even more difficult to believe or accept when the person we like, admire, love, and/or marry is the perpetrator of the abuse. Tragically, the unwillingness to accept the facts concerning sexual abuse perpetrators leaves children vulnerable to becoming victims and increases the likelihood that they will be abused.

If you have taught your child all the rules of ‘stranger danger’ you have protected him or her from a 1% change of being sexually abused. This leaves your child vulnerable to the most likely sexual child abuse offender, family members or other trusted adults. 80% of children are sexually abused by a family member, 19% are abused by someone the child knows and trusts. The other little known statistic is the frequency of sexual child abuse. David Finkelhor and Dianna Russell’s research reveals 62% of girls and 31% of boys will be sexually abused by age 18. Unfortunately this statistic is considered low due to the difficulty in gathering data from surveys or reporting agencies.

To understand how sexual child abuse is perpetrated by the person we least suspect one needs to have a comprehensive definition of sexual abuse.

“Traditionally, incest [sexual abuse] was defined as: sexual intercourse between two persons too closely related to marry legally--sex between siblings, first cousins, the seduction by fathers of their daughters. This dysfunctional blood relationship, however, does not completely describe what children are experiencing. To fully understand all sexual abuse, we need to look beyond the blood bond and include the emotional bond between the victim and his or her perpetrator. Thus, a new definition has emerged. The new definition now relies less on the blood bond between the victim and the perpetrator and more on the experience of the child. Incest is both sexual abuse and an abuse of power. It is violence that does not require force. Another is using the victim, treating them in a way that they do not want or in a way that is not appropriate by a person with whom a different relationship is required. It is abuse because it does not take into consideration the needs or wishes of the child; rather, it meets the needs of the other person at the child’s expense. If the experience has sexual meaning for another person, in lieu of a nurturing purpose for the benefit of the child, it is abuse. If it is unwanted or inappropriate for her age or the relationship, it is abuse. Incest [sexual abuse] can occur through words, sounds, or even exposure of the child to sights or acts that are sexual but do not involve her. If she is forced to see what she does not want to see, for instance, by an exhibitionist, it is abuse. If a child is forced into an experience that is sexual in content or overtone that is abuse. As long as the child is induced into sexual activity with someone who is in a position of greater power, whether that power is derived through the perpetrator’s age, size, status, or relationship, the act is abusive. A child who cannot refuse, or who believes she or he cannot refuse, is a child who has been violated.. (E. Sue Blume, Secret Survivors).”

There are two types of sexual abuse approaches—overt and covert.

Overt sexual abuse is openly sexual and apparent. Although there may be an attempt to deny that it is abusive, there is no attempt to hide the fact that it is sexual in nature.

Covert sexual abuse is more insidious. Thus, identifying it is harder, because the sexual nature of the action is disguised. The perpetrator acts as if she or he is doing something non-sexual, when in fact he or she is being sexual. The betrayal then becomes two-fold. The child is not only abused, but also tricked or deceived about the act. In this dishonesty, the child is unable to identify or clarify his or her perception of the experience. The unreal or surreal sense that accompanies any sexual abuse is intensified when the child is tricked into disbelief. Thus, the child doubts his or her perceptions and feelings and believes that there is something wrong with himself or herself because he or she feels terrible. To make matters worse, everyone around her or him discounts signs of the abuse, because we don’t want to believe someone with a sterling public image would do such a thing. Thus the child feels crazy, as if she or he is the one with the problem.

One example of overt sexual abuse is exemplified by the incident a client, who is a sexual abuse survivor, reported seeing her father (her perpetrator) kiss her one-year-old niece on the pubic area after her niece had taken a bath. Her sister, the child’s mother, the child’s grandmother (wife of the perpetrator) were present. “My sister and mother (the child’s grandmother) laughed and I got sick to the stomach. Am I over reacting,” she asked. Obviously, her sister and mother are unaware of the definition of sexual abuse. Except for the fact this woman was in therapy she would not have considered it sexual abuse either.

An example of covert sexual abuse by someone we least expect is exemplified by a 39 year-old woman who came to me for therapy after having a severe panic attack. During our investigation as to the root cause of the panic attack she revealed she had been sexually abused when she was nine by a family friend. “He helped me on with my coat at a family gathering. As he adjusted my coat onto my shoulder, he fondled my breast.” This type fondling is often times referred to as ‘coping a feel.’ No matter the label, it is sexual abuse and causes damage. Women know how icky it feels when a man ‘cops a feel.’ Can you imagine what it would feel like for a nine-year-old, who has no information to comprehend and emotionally resolve what she experienced?

Another example of covert sexual abuse by someone you least expect was told to me by my client, Rickie (not his real name). He remembered being held by his mother’s best friend in the water at the beach when he was six, while his parents sat on the beach. Fully protected from view by the water, she fondled his penis. This was not the end of the sexual abuse. When Rickie was 15 years old, she enticed him to have sex with her at her home while he waited for her son, his friend to come home. The second incident of her sexual abuse of Rickie was overt.

There are six key techniques to abuse-proof your child.

• Avoid spanking your child—spanking is a body boundary violation. Perpetrators target children who have had body boundary violations because they are less apt to protest any unacceptable body boundary violations.
• Avoid touching your child in erotic areas—buttocks, chest, thighs, etc. Perpetrators state they use familiar touch (rubbing the child’s legs, buttocks or hugging/kissing) to desensitize the child before using touch which is sexual in content and intent.
• Teach your child self-protection by teaching him/her to protest violation of body boundaries or unwanted touch beginning at age two.
• Teach your child good body image.
• Teach your child to TELL YOU EVERYTHING, NO SECRETS FROM MOMMY and DADDY.
• Practice Appropriate Suspicion—Trust your intuition, (a.k.a Sixth Sense)

If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention has been endorsed by: Teresa C. Chambers, Chief of Police, Durham, N.C. and Paul Ragonese, former highly decorated NYC Police Officer, former cablevision host, Safe Streets, currently CBS Crime News consultant, and Virginia Newman Littell, NJ State Senate child advocate and Board member.








--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, MSW, CSW, CRT, CCH, Ph.D. (cand.) specializes in sexual and physical abuse recovery and prevention. . She is Executive Director of Genesis Consultants, Inc. and 1-800-THERAPIST referral service, www.Gen-Assist.com and Board Member of International Association for Regression Reseach and Therapies, Inc. Her book, “If I’d Only Known…Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention” is available at www.Gen-Assist.com at a 15% discount.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------