Teens Tweens or Children? Talking Effectively with your Kids about the Internet
Author: Colin Gabriel Hatcher

Talking effectively about the internet with your kids, and setting rules that will stick, requires an appreciation of their age and maturity. You of course know your kids best, and may already have had effective discussions with them about family rules for using the internet, but here are some guidelines on how kids at different ages generally relate to parental authority.

For ease of understanding I divide "kids" into 3 basic groups:

Teens: 13-17
Children: 4-7
Pre-teens or "Tweens": 8-12

Remember of course these are generalizations. Kids may hit adolescence at very different ages. Use the suggestions below as a guide to the most effective ways to handle YOUR kids.

Teens

• See parents as obstacles.
• Have a very strong sense of personal privacy and personal space. (e.g., don't like to be touched, and like to lock their bedroom doors or have a sign on the door that says NO ENTRY, aimed specifically at parents).
• Dislike being treated "like children". Do not like it when adults take decisions for them or tell them what to think or do.
• Demand rational reasons for any restrictions on their actions, and are generally unable to see the rationality even when given.
• Believe that there are certain things about their lives that parents have no right to know about.
• Peer group has more influence than parents.
• Enjoy pushing and crossing boundaries. Strong interest in sexual relationships with peer group or even with slightly older teens.
• Tendency to deliberately break rules set by parents as a test of power and to punish parents for setting the boundaries in the first place.
• Will want to explore the internet without adult supervision or accountability. Parents will "cramp their style".
• Unlikely to tell parents if weird things happen online.
• Unlikely to follow parents' rules UNLESS these rules are part of the teens own PERSONAL code.
• Likely to deliberately explore the adult areas of the WWW. Boys especially are highly likely to seek out pornography.
• Likely to engage in sexually implicit or explicit conduct in chat rooms.
• May have an interest in meeting online friends offline without informing parents.
• Technical ability usually level with wisdom and streetsmarts, (unless they are programmers, in which case their technical ability may surpass their ability to predict consequences to their actions).
• Likely to date online BEFORE they are permitted to date offline.
Therefore their first "love affair" is increasingly likely to be an online one with an "anonymous" cyberfriend.
• Will probably object to the computer being in the family room, will aggressively object to having their email monitored, or pre-screened, and will object to their activities online being monitored.

Children

• See parents as friends, guides and protectors.
• Have little or no sense of personal space or personal privacy and rarely notice intrusion.
• Comfortable being treated like children and indeed expect it.
• Happy for parents to make decisions for them.
• Generally do not demand reasons for parental rules, but rather accept parent's rules with little or no questioning.
• No requirement for rules to be logical or explained.
• Parents have more influence than peer group.
• Generally stay back from boundaries set and tend not to push the envelope.
• Primary relationship is with family and a few close friends.
• Tend to avoid mass socialization.
• No interest in meeting online friends offline. May not even associate online friends with real offline people.
• Will tell parents if something weird happens online.
• Will follow parents' rules when parents are absent.
• Technical ability far ahead of wisdom and streetsmarts.
• Will not object to the computer being in the family room, nor to having their email monitored, or pre-screened, nor to their activities online being monitored.

Pre-Teens or "Tweens"

• Transitional pre-adolescent development between children and teens.
• See parents increasingly less as allies and more as obstacles.
• Growing sense of privacy and personal space.
• Can handle being treated like children and will allow decisions to be made for them, but will increasingly ask and expect that rules are explained with logical reasons.
• Likely to respect and follow parents' rules IF the reasoning makes sense to them and/or if the rules accord with the child's own inner code.
• Growing sense that some parts of their lives need to be kept private from their parents.
• Peer group and parents evenly balanced in terms of influence, but peer group's influence is growing.
• Will generally respect boundaries - will push on them but generally unlikely to cross them, but as adolescence develops they will push harder and harder.
• Strong interest in peer to peer friendships online, and even possible romance, but generally no interest in sexual relationships.
• Will be increasingly tempted by peer group.
• Curious and will explore the net, therefore likely to find adult material by accident.
• Will tell parents if weird stuff happens online ONLY if parents have a firmly established team relationship with the child.
• Unlikely to wish to meet online friends offline.
• May develop romantic attachments to friends online.
• May develop confidential friendships with older people online.
• Tendency to confuse internet with a game, lack of empathy, problems with rude behavior in chat rooms.
• Will accept the computer in a family area, and to having their email monitored, or pre-screened, and to their activities online being monitored IF parents can explain the reasons in a way that makes sense to the child.

In Summary

• Children: likely to listen to you even if you give no explanation or even if your reasons make no sense whatsoever. Your rules ARE their personal code.

• Pre-teens/Tweens: will listen to you providing you make sense and give reasons, OR if your rules accord with their personal code.

• Teens: more likely not to listen to you even if you give reasons that make complete sense, UNLESS your rules accord with their personal code.








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Englishman Colin Gabriel Hatcher, a Silicon Valley California attorney and lifelong volunteer youth worker, is the innovative mastermind behind SafetyEd International With 21 years experience in education, 12 years experience as a Martial Arts Instructor (he holds 5 black belts), 11 years of computer experience, and over 7 years working in internet related safety, child protection and child advocacy, Colin is an accomplished expert researcher and writer in the internet field, as well as being an expert in internet and cyberspace law.

Safety Ed International http://www.safetyed.org You can contact Colin by email at colinhatcher@safetyed.org

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