What is Healthy Support?
Author: Maria Marsala

For many giving another human being the support they require is not an easy thing. It means letting down our own judgment and wishes for that person - and REALLY supporting and encouraging them -- even if giving that support means that they move 3000 miles away. It's also about inner support and learning how to support ourselves. It's about watching the messages of the universe for their support and about not giving up on you! And oh... it's about walking over and under and through lots of mountains and pastures too.

Healthy support is nothing less than miraculous. Personally it has meant the difference between working for someone else--and owning my own company. With the support of a new network I was able to leave my wonderful, vibrant, energizing NYC and fulfill a 20 year dream by moving to what seemed like the end of the world - WA! Sometimes being self supportive means letting go or trying something different.

?Learn to say No!
Yes, support means being able to say no! Repeat after me, "saying no to others means saying yes to me." So start saying no to the things you really don't want to do, and send messages to the universe about the things you do want! Learn the difference between boundaries and standards. Many people think their "problem" is that they have no boundaries--you know those rules we have for how we want other people to treat us. Part of the challenge is to realize that those rules are definitely there and we are just not enforcing them. And yes, repeating our boundaries time and time again is part of learning how to support ourselves. (My favorite articles on boundaries and standards are located at www.topten.org)

?Learn to "use" what you read.
John Bradshaw, recovery author and speaker, tells a story about the two lines there are to get to heaven. One line will get you straight there, the other is a how to get to heaven class. Most folks would want to take the class first! Reading is wonderful and yet its only one part of the process. Reading is the first part of a slogan recovery group's use. It's part 1 of the three "A's" - awareness. Don't forget about the other two A's - acceptance and action. (3 A's is a slogan from the recovery movement.)

?Learn to be assertive.
Want to be assertive from a very centered place? The acronym below is from an Assertiveness Training Program, by Anne Johnsen, CSW, Staten Island, NY.
C - Clarity of Thoughts and feelings
H - Honesty with yourself
A - Appropriate time and place
I - Initiative (you take it--don't wait for someone else to do it)
R - Respect for yourself and others (through your actions and words)

1) Start any special assertiveness conversation with "I feel" "I believe" "I think".
2) Use the assertiveness sentence I feel _________ when you ___________ I'd prefer that you ________
3) NEVER start sentences with YOU - the blame word
4) If you find your feelings are a whole lost more than more than the situation at hand calls for, KNOW that this is a situation from your past that requires some action - don't take it out on the person who has brought this to light for you.

?Learn to set goals and listen.
I am one of those who believe in setting goals--and writing them down. The downside of goal setting is that some people can become "stuck" in the goal. They forget to listen to the universe as they walk towards the goal. So enjoy the "adventure" of moving forward and celebrate every step--big and small. Adventures seem to remove the fear of the unknown and they make the journey as much fun as "getting there."

?Learn to ask for what you need or want.
Do you hear yourself complaining to others or yourself a lot? If so, then you're not asking for what you want or need. So learn to ask. Do you need some extra help? A support group? 12 step recovery group? Therapist? Coach? Look for the help... it's out there waiting for you.

?Learn to ask yourself for support.
Write a list of at least 50 things you're tolerating in your life--people, places and things. Things that you think about, know require doing, and keep putting off would go on your list. Remember to include things you're tolerating about you and your things. You'll be surprised at how much energy goes into "that spot on the wall" that requires painting... until it's painted! What do tolerations have to do with support? When you get rid of half the things you're tolerating you'll have more time to give support to others from a cup that is overflowing with energy.

?Learn to regroup.
If something you believe in somehow isn't currently working out... take a breather, let it go by putting it in your "God Box," and come back to it later. Later, you can always talk about it to others, make some changes and regroup. Hey, you're worth your effort!

?2000 Maria Marsala, Life and Business Evolution Coach www.coachmaria.com








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Maria Marsala is Business & Life Evolution Coach,Consultant. Her passion is to work with Executives, Managers, Mom's, and Empty Nesters who are looking to start their dream business part-time now and build a strong, solid business foundation for later. Visit www.coachmaria.com for more information.

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