Understanding Worthiness
Author: Kasi Mani

It is obvious that we are in a time of change. With all of the changes occuring in the world we should not be surprised when the doors of change open in our own personal life. When my doors opened I was very afraid. At first I didn't recognize them as doors of oppurtunity, I thought my whole world was crashing down on top of me into one little pile of crap. I just knew that I could no longer go on.

Here I was stuck in a failed marraige, with a six year old and a new baby on the way. I was broke with no job and all of five dollars to my name. All I could think about was how I had become one of those wives I said I would never be. when reality hit I wasn't stuck I was being pushed. All the things I feared were only experiences that led to my door of oppurtunity. I had a choice I could either stay and continue this perpetual cycle of torture I was putting myself through or I could walk right through that door and leave that cycle behind.

I could show my children what an unhealthy relationship was so they could continue the cycle or I could show them what a strong women was and stop the cycle. I thought back to the events of the 11th. That is when I realized that compared to the victims of that day,the open door containing my future was simply the easiest choice that I would ever make. Although that was one of the scariest days in our universe and the obvious way to deal with it would be to be scared, the most succesful way to deal with it would be to see that it was the entire worlds door to change. I will admit that it is so much easier to be scared when you are in a time of change. Instead of seeing change as a good thing we perfer to see it as devestation, which then turns to stress and worry turning our bodies and minds inside out.

It is easier to say what you can't do then what you can and will do. In times of change we tend to forget that there is something greater than us that will see us through this change if we just allow it to. Believing in the greater power will enable you to believe in the greater you.

For most of us wallowing in self pity is so much easier than realizing that the power within you will and can guide you in the right direction.

I thought that I was the only one going through change when I began to hear and see that everyone in my life was expeirencing some sort of change and most of it seemed even worse than mine from the outside looking in. I almost started to feel sorry for them until I remembered that we are all responsible for ourself.

We are the only ones that can walk through our doors and if you don't see your change as an open door than you will just close it and continue to live life in the state of suffering that you unconciously think you deserve.

As women one of our greatest misconceptions is that we must suffer to make it. Wether it is suffering in the form of changing for another human beings happiness or excepting abuse in our lives, possibly allowing our children to witness or be apart of abuse or wether it is simply suffering in the form of not loving ourself enough to feel worthy. I used to think that I would be a better writer if I went through some horrible travesty. I failed to realize that I was already putting myself through a horrible travesty.

I was not allowing myself to feel worthy. I didn't believe I deserved love or prosperity. Even though I would pray to the lord above every night for love health and wealth, I was continusly doubting myself and divine guidances capability to provide what I was worthy of. I was actually getting what I asked for, an abusive relationship, a lack of money and a complete feeling of unworthiness. At the time I didn't realize that God loved me so much that he would give me exactly what I asked for, crap.

So, what is so wrong with being worthy? There is nothing wrong with being worthy the problem is not realizing that you are worthy. Worthy in what fashion, you should consider yourself worthy in every fashion possible and never except anything less than what you deserve. Since love seems to be one of everyones ultimate goals let's say you are looking but can't seem to find it. I can gaurntee you are not asking for it. You are asking for crap and you are getting it.

Until you realize that you will never get what you deserve as long as you continue to clean up other peoples crap the sooner you can walk through your door. Realize and understand that you make the final decision in your life if you meet someone and on the outside they seem to be just what you have asked for take a look at their inside. Don't overlook the fact that he or she mistreats their mother or father. Is there really a good reason for not seeing your children, do they look you in the eye when they talk to you. Did they cheat on their wife or husband. Do they tell you all the terrible things they used to do to their ex's.

This does not make them your friend because they have confided in you about their past misgressions, certainly don't believe they have changed with out any type of outside help and don't make the biggest mistake most often made, thinking that they won't treat you the same way. If a person doesn't not love, respect or find themselves worthy they can do nothing for you. It is easy to find someone to love it is even easier to find the right person who is worthy of your love and will return it because they know you are worthy.








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Kasi Mani is an writer/poet who has had several publications on e-zines, anthologies and poetry magazines. Currently she is working on several childrens books and a self-help book.

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