Dealing With Difficutl People - Know Any?
Author: Teri Karst

Difficult people. You know – those ones that push your buttons. The ones that you’d like to haul off and slug because they so deserve it. Not so many years ago, I used to be called Rambo, so trust me, I know inappropriate responses. I eventually found out that using these kinds of behaviors actually put me in a place that I didn’t want to be. I had become the difficult person.


Do you ever feel that you continually face people who seem to challenge every thought you have in your head or make it next to impossible to get anything done? The truth is, we’re always going to have difficult people in our lives. So, the trick is to minimize the aggravation, stress and frustration that they cause us. Dealing with difficult people takes some understanding on our part and a willingness to assume some risk as well.

To begin with, we need to know who they are. They’re the worriers, whiners, and wet blankets; those hot heads, bullies and show offs who are the general kill joys of our lives. Sound like anyone you know? Maybe it’s your ex-husband, your current wife, your neighbor, boss or coworker. It could be just about anyone, couldn’t it? Since these interactions can pretty much happen on a daily basis, we need to have some effective ways of dealing with them.


Why are they like this, anyway? According to the American Psychological Association, low self esteem is the root of these behaviors. Try to understand that the people whom we find difficult are responding from fear and that such harsh belligerence is actually a cover-up for their feelings of inadequacies. Please note, however, I am not justifying their behaviors. No. Not at all! What I am suggesting, however, is to understand that these people are in pain and they will sometimes push off their pain on you. It doesn’t make it right and it certainly isn’t easy, but you do not have to get into a mud slinging contest either.

But not react? Not take things personally? Whaddya kidding me?

Granted, there are underlying issues for these people and it’s these issues that are the cause of poor performance and yucky attitudes, but let’s face it; everyone is hard to get along with, under some circumstances with some people. Even YOU! And just so you know, when you spar with a difficult person, the difficulty is actually in your relationship. It’s about you and how you communicate because your response changes the whole relationship. We need to learn to look at relationships as they really are – and there’s a big difference between reality and what you’d like reality to be. This takes honesty with yourself, objectivity and a willingness to face things that just might make you uncomfortable, as you learn to give up the idea of controlling other people. Our way of thinking is just different from theirs, that’s all.

For me, transitioning out of my RAMBO stage meant that I had to learn that the only person I could change was ME. That’s true for all of us. Yeah, it’s about them, but it’s about you, too.


How, then, do we deal with difficult people? To begin with, we need to listen more and talk less, in fact, listen twice as much as you speak. Listen for areas of agreement, acknowledge what they are saying and validate their feelings. There are two things at stake here- the issue and their feelings. Deal with their feelings first. Keep in mind that how you handle adversity largely determines your success in any matter.


My suggestion in dealing with difficult people is to first look at your role in the situation and then to try the following tactics. You may just come out a winner!

1. Learn to take care of yourself first. You don’t want to get sucked into their behaviors, but rather remain calm and keep your cool. “Dignity at all costs” is the rule of thumb here. Whatever you may be tempted to say, know it’s OK to at least think it. Acknowledge your feelings and then let them go. Remember that you have the element of CHOICE at all times, in terms of your own behavior. We can choose to be silent, observe our own thoughts, wait to reply or concentrate on our breathing. Choosing wisely develops our ability to act intelligently.

2. Don’t argue with them. It’s pointless. Nobody wins. If you are engaging in this behavior, ask yourself why. Is it for revenge? To show them up? To be right? Examine your motives. When you do speak, be sure your tone is non –emotional and non-confrontational.

3. Try to establish an immediate rapport through a smile, eye contact or by speaking in a calm voice. You gain credibility, and your efforts will soften those opposing you. Effective communication is critical.

4. Step back. Respect the physical distance between you.

5. Validate. Keep it in the “I”, by saying, “ I understand”, or “You’ve made a good point,” or even “That’s an issue worth considering”. Then offer your point of view, by saying “I feel …..(this way) when you……. ( do whatever you do) because… (state the reason).” Stick to the facts, and remember: no attack statements.

6. Boundaries. Do you have them? Do you even know what they are? Boundaries are what we define as acceptable and unacceptable behaviors, given society’s norms. It’s where you establish, “This is what I can do for you and this is what I cannot do.” Boundaries allow you to understand that you are entitled to certain things. Being treated with dignity and respect are among them. Ah, but the other people are entitled to this as well. So, how do you get past their nastiness?

7. Don’t take things personally. Know, too, that not everybody will like you. Your job is to side step confrontation.

8. Learn to admit when you’re wrong. Make amends to all you have harmed – immediately, if possible. It can be as simple as saying “I apologize”, or “I made a mistake”. The more you do this, the easier it becomes.

9. Confront problems professionally and with confidence. Create a win - win situation.

10. Finally, your own sense of self worth has to be in tact. When you can accept and value yourself, you can accept and value others. We are all teachers. BE the example. Become a better you as you design your path of personal development.

I ask you then, to start right here and right now, to be the one who begins to heal the world one person at a time. Think the highest thought. Do the highest deed. Act today. The human race is depending on you!

Copyright 2004 Teri Susan Karst . All Rights Reserved.






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About the author: Teri Karst is a free lance writer, corporate trainer and motivational speaker. She holds a Master’s Degree in Education, certification in Training and Human Resource Development and is written up in Who’s Who. She encourages and challenges audiences to step up and take charge, promoting a culture of integrity, respect and peak performance. Teri currently resides in South Florida..

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