Anxiety! I Have It. I Don't Want It. Now What?
Author: Dr. Dorothy McCoy

In anxious situations, you will react emotionally, cognitively and behaviorally. The following are examples of how you might experience these situations:

Feelings: anxiety, intense fear and nervousness

Thoughts: automatic negative thoughts

Behaviors: blushing, dry throat and mouth, trembling, muscle twitches and racing heart

Feelings

Normally the emotions you will feel in phobic situations will be of such harsh intensity that you are uncomfortable and you may consider leaving the situation, or at the very least you wish you were home washing your dog.

Perhaps, you have told yourself that such feelings are terrible and you cannot endure them. Because of your thoughts, you may have determined that the safest course of action is to avoid the anxious situation. You are certainly not alone in choosing avoidance. Many, doubtless most, people with phobias (or extreme anxiety) choose to simply avoid the feared conditions. Unfortunately, two things happen then: (1) You do not have the opportunity to defeat the fear, (2) you feel immediate relief from the fear (in effect, you are rewarded). This makes it more likely that you will employ this solution (avoidance) next time you feel fearful. Behavioral Theory suggests that we are more likely to repeat a behavior that produces a pleasing consequence (fears go away) than one that produces an uncomfortable consequence (fear remains).

Let’s, for a moment, consider what would happen if you chose to remain in the anxious situation, in fact, to actively seek such events. Let’s also suppose that when you do this, you will go in with new tools with which to ease the negative intensity of your emotions. You already have one of the tools-- your Anxiety CD (if you do not have my Anxiety CD, use the method that works for you). We will imagine for a moment that you are exactly the way you want to be in anxious situations. Take a couple of minutes to see the image (yourself at the last event at which you felt fear or extreme anxiety) in detail, including as many of your five senses as possible. In other words, if you were at a meeting with your boss you will want to imagine the sounds, the room, your boss (and anyone else who was present), the fragrances, and perhaps the taste of the coffee. The only difference between then and now is that you are now exactly the way you want to be. Please close your eyes a! nd take a minute to experience the New You.

OK, you have had the opportunity to see the New You in a feared situation. How was the imagined meeting (or other condition) different from when you were actually there? What did you do differently? How did you feel? How did others react to this New You? It would be helpful to write down your answers.

If you are pleased with the changes, perhaps now is the time to start planning for change. You deserve to be happy-- good luck! Oh, you have earned a giant pat on the back for taking the first step (yes, you took the first step toward a New You) on this exciting journey to a more satisfying and healthy life.

Would these changes enhance your enjoyment of life? Would you like yourself better? You might want to remember that you are not your behavior. You may wish your behavior was different, and you may certainly change it, nevertheless, it is not you. We can unconditionally accept ourselves as human beings, and not accept everything we have ever done. Critical judgments are like an albatross draped heavily around your neck, it may command your attention, but it is not very appealing.

Writing about Feelings, Thoughts and Behaviors

Writing about our feelings and thoughts is more effective than merely thinking about them. In fact, it is a good idea to keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings on a daily basis. Not only is it helpful because you become more aware, and gain valuable insight, in addition, writing also reduces anxiety. As we experience feared situations, the fear loses some of its intensity. Sometimes we find that we have been afraid of the fear itself. If we look fear in the face, and don’t blink, it, like most bullies, will scurry away.

Thoughts

Simply put, cognitive therapy states that our thoughts create our world. We realize, of course, that situations in our environment will also influence the way we feel. However, if we become aware of our thoughts then we can learn the role they play in shaping our emotions. For example, if you believe that you are a boring person, there is very little you can do that will change your perception until you recognize and challenge the irrational thought. Our goal is not to become Pollyanna. Rather, we want to look for evidence to support the belief (whatever it happens to be) “I am not OK.” You may want to ask yourself several questions. What do I do that is not OK? Am I always not OK? Under what circumstances am I not OK? Has someone said that I was not OK? Where did the idea originate? Am I not OK to everyone, at all times, in all situations? If I sometimes do things that are not OK, can I change that behavior? Is there any objective evidence that I am not OK?

Often we learn negative beliefs when we are very young and then accept them for the rest of our lives without ever exposing them to scrutiny. “I am not OK” is a belief --not a fact. Let me say that again, because it is very important—“I am not OK” is a belief-- not a fact. The only way to answer these, or other questions about yourself is to ask others for feedback and empirically examine your experiences. Often we are unnecessarily negative about ourselves.

Ruminating about your behaviors often leads to anxiety. I am not OK and that is terrible.

Guilt: I Choose to Punish Myself

When we decide that we are not OK, for whatever reason, we sometimes choose to punish ourselves. One way to do this is to feel guilty. I am not saying you cannot choose to feel guilt, but I would like to examine the usefulness of that strategy. Perhaps defining the term would be helpful; just to be sure we are all on the same page. Guilt says, “I am not OK and I should not enjoy happiness, consequently, I must continually remind myself what awful things I have done and feel bad.” There is a large element of “if only” and “what if” in guilt. If only I had said, “I love you more,” “What if I had invested in that stock my rich cousin gave me a tip on.” Human beings are purposeful; behaviors normally take us closer to a goal we have chosen. Guilt is purposeful if we can go back and change the past. Please take a few minutes to write down your strategy for changing the past.

My Strategy for Changing the Past

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Now, before you do anything else, if you can change the past, please e-mail your plans to me. There are many things I would like to change.

Let’s talk about another term--- conscience. A conscience is important in our quest to fit in and become a part of a group of human beings. A strong sense of right and wrong by which we live, our principles, are also essential in helping us to feel good about ourselves—self-esteem. Hint: We cannot force others to live by our principles, and judging others is a useless and frustrating occupation.

Perhaps, we can agree that a healthy conscience helps us to achieve our needs to belong and to feel positive about ourselves. Guilt serves the opposite purpose, because we are so involved in self and the terrible things we have done we have no time to focus on others and cultivate intimate relationships. Guilt ridden people are not much fun.

Sometimes we feel the need to punish ourselves, but we can limit the punishment. Even convicted criminals have an end to their sentence. Consider this for a moment; if you must punish yourself why not choose one time a day to really feel the guilt. For example, you can choose to vividly experience your guilt for 30 minutes everyday at precisely 7:00 in the evening. If you begin to feel guilty at another time in the day remind yourself that you have chosen to do that at 7:00, and save it until then. You may have to remind yourself several times before this becomes a habit. You will need to decide how long you will impose this punishment on yourself.

Suppose we decided to neuter the guilt by using its best quality, the wish to change something. For example, if your guilt stems from believing you were unfair to someone, you can decide to help someone else. There are many individuals who need help in some way. Perhaps, you know a lonely elderly person you can adopt as a grandparent, or a student who could use help with his homework. There are many organizations begging for volunteers that would be thrilled to have your services. Look around, you will find a purpose---- go for it.








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Dr. Dorothy McCoy is in private practice in South Carolina. Her professional area is Self-Help Programs (Social Phobia, Anxiety/Stress Management and Fear-of-Flying) each of her programs contains a relaxation/guided imagery CD and an easy to use Cognitive-Behavioral Workbook. Please visit her website at www.Counseling.com/DrMcCoy/ or you may e-mail dlamp@lowcountry.com

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