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Art of Listening
Author: Ariel & Shya Kane
True listening is not something that we have been taught growing up in our families, amongst our friends or in school. True listening requires being in the moment. It also requires the letting go of your point of view, your thoughts and your agendas. True listening is an art.
Have you ever examined whether or not you are truely listening? Have you identified what inhibits your ability to actually hear what another is saying with the intention of seeing what they mean from their point of view. What we are talking about here is a self-education program. First you must have the desire to discover how it is that you listen. If you are not interested, read no further. But if you are, this is an opportunity for you to apply the technology of Instantaneous Transformation® to your life. The technology of Instantaneous Transformation® is anthropological in nature. It is about noticing how it is that you interact with your life from a non-judgmental point of view. It is not about trying to change or fix what you notice in this self examination of your own behavior patterns. We have discovered that if you just notice how you are relating to your life, that in itself is enough to complete previously disturbing patterns of behavior. The mere identification and recognition of the existence of the behavior pattern completes it in the moment of its being noticed. Frequently there are no other actions needed. This applies to the way in which you listen or don’t listen or distract yourself from listening.
Pre-Occupation with a "Problem" If you are pre-occupied with a thought or something you consider problematic, then you can't listen because your mind can only hold one thing at a time and if you are worrying about something, then you don't hear what is being said to you.
The two of us were recently speaking on the telephone with a friend of ours, "Serela". As we spoke, the conversation got more confusing and stilted while she kept talking faster to answer questions we hadn't asked. Things became rushed, jumbled and frustrating. This was a strange phone call. We wondered what had happened that Serela, who just the day before was calm and centered now was so distracted and jumpy. We asked some questions in an attempt to solve the puzzling turn of events. We inquired if Serela was sure it was a good time to talk because she seemed rushed. She assured us there was nothing pressing in her schedule and she had plenty of time to chat. So we said she seemed pre-occupied and asked if something had happened in the last day that had upset her. Serela got quiet for a moment and then told us that during the middle of the night, her ex-boyfriend had called. After telling her how mean she was and how much she hurt him and how sad he was because they had broken up, he had hung up on her. All morning Serela had been talking with him in her mind, telling him all the things she didn"t have a chance to say as she tried to convince herself she wasn't really a mean person. When Serela spoke with us, it had been hard for her to really talk and listen because she was already involved in the ongoing conversation in her thoughts. When she simply saw that the phone call from her ex had knocked her off balance, she was restored to herself.
Most of us are unaware that we are actually doing something other than listening. We haven't realized that we are pre- engaged or pre-occupied so that we only partially hear what is being said and that partial hearing is almost always inaccurate.
Have you ever noticed how some people say the same things to you over and over? That is because you didn't really hear them the first time.
Proving Yourself Right At this point we must talk about a principle of physics which is also the second principle of transformation which says "no two things can occupy the same space at the same time." If your mind is already pre-occupied with what you are intending to say when you get your chance, then there is no possibility that you can actually hear what is being said to you. And that is on the most basic level. If you are defending your point of view, then your mind will manipulate what is being said so that you can disagree with it or prove it to be wrong and prove yourself or your point of view right.
Have you ever found yourself finding fault with a person's use of words or a paticular word rather than allowing yourself to hear the essence of what he or she is saying?
Usually, when we engage in conversation with someone, we are trying to prove that what we believe to be true, is true. And so, when we listen to another, we are still holding onto our point of view or intended result.
The idea of letting go of working on or thinking about or holding onto what you want to say in order to allow you to actually hear what another person is saying, is so simple that it is difficult to understand. If you simply drop what you have to say and listen, then when you respond to the person you are relating to you, might discover you have something wholey new and unexpected to say that is even more appropriate than what you had planned. You will also find that if what you had to say is still relevant, it will come back on its own.
How You Listen has been Culturally Influenced The two of us were once on the Italian Riviera. One day, while walking down the street we saw a young girl three or four years old having a conversastion with one of her parents. What impressed us most was how she expressed herself with her hands. The culteral way of gesturing is to wave ones hands emphatically as an extension of the words. The girl demonstrated a small version of the gestures going on all around her. She didn't think to learn this way of communicating, it was absorbed along with the culture. You have also absorbed culturally influenced ways of relating. Which includes winning, not being stupid, being right. These ways of relating then become filters through which we listen. So listening then becomes more complex. It is not simply an act of hearing what another has to say. Each communication goes through a quick check to see how it might effect our agenda to get ahead, win or be smart.
Filling in the Blanks
Our minds are like computors and they can only operate with what they already know. So, for instance, if you hear a word that you don't already have in your mental data bank, you are likely to fill in the blank with one your logic system assumes is the same or a reasonable facsimile. Here is an example of how it works. One of the towns near where we live in New Jersey is named "Flemington." When we first moved to our home, we were unfamiliar with the area.. Soon after we moved in, our friend and real estate broker, Nancy, was promoted to a managerial position in a new real estate office in Flemington - or so we thought. For weeks we drove by her new location and scanned the parking lot, looking for her car. It seemed as though she was never there. Finally we called her and said "We tried to come by and see you today but you were out. Boy you must be busy, we keep driving by and your car is never in the lot." To this she replied, "What do you mean, I was in all day today." So we asked if she had a new car, but no, that wasn't the answer. It seems we had mis-heard when Nancy told us she had been promoted. She didn't actually work in Flemmington at all. She managed the office in"Pennington". Having never heard of Pennington, our minds just filled in the blank.
Listening with an Agenda A major inhibitor to listening is one's agendas. Wanting something when you talk with another person is not a problem, if you are aware of it. For instance, as a sales person, if you get paid a commision for what you sell, obviously you have a preference that potential customers will purchase something. However, if you push to meet your agenda rather than have attention on taking care of the customers needs, you are sure to turn people off and lose sales. In effect, going for your agenda produces the opposite result.
People are frequently much more intereseted in not appearing stupid than they are in actually listening. It is as if it would be bad not to know something and so this agenda blinds the listener. How it blinds the listener is that it doesn't mattter what another person is saying to them, above all else they can't look stupid so they constantly have to be trying to figure out what to say so as not to appear stupid.
Again, please don't misunderstand. There is nothing wrong with having an agenda. If you want a raise, a better relationship, or even want to appear something other than stupid, no problem. The problem only arrises when you are unaware of your own agendas and you are mechanically driven in your interactions with your life. If you are aware of things you want (or don't want) then you can include these preferences and then actively listen to what another has to say.
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Ariel and Shya Kane are internationally acclaimed seminar leaders and business consultants whose revolutionary technology, Instantaneous Transformation, has helped thousands of individuals and companies worldwide. The Kanes' best-selling book, Working on Yourself Doesn't Work, is available at local and online bookstores, via the Kanes' website or by calling toll-free 800-431-1579. Ariel and Shya lead evening and weekend groups in Manhattan, dedicated to supporting people in living in the moment and having extraordinary, fulfilling lives. For more information, including dates and locations for upcoming courses, call 908-479-6034 or visit their website: www.ask-inc.com
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