Anger and Addiction
Author: Shannon Munford M.A.

As a result of my father’s infidelity and alcohol abuse, my parents divorced when I was 8. When my dad left I felt as if my heart had torn. I thought I could will my parents back together, but eventually every emotional tie I shared with my father from the crib to the playground slowly snapped. I did not see him leaving my mom. I saw him leaving me.

To mask my pain I built a wall of resentment. When he missed my track meet another layer of brick was added, when he remarried the wall was fortified. Little did I know the wall I built did not only shield me from my pain, it prevented me from feeling anything. I felt no joy, no excitement just anger. Anger became my friend it was there to protect me, there to keep me safe.

In reality I was far from safety. I was imprisoned with myself and that’s when the war began, a war between who I was and how I found myself behaving.

I was full of self- pity and vengeance. I convinced my self that the best way to take revenge on my father was to show him I did not need him. I’d refuse weekend visits. I did not need his help. I did not need his money. I did not need his advice. Propelled by my resentment I’d excel in school, go to college, start a career, marry, buy a house, open a business all to spite him. I found my anger very useful. It gave me a sense of power, a sense of pride but with pride came entitlement and with entitlement the pursuit of pleasure and once pleasure was apprehended it apprehended me. I slowly entered a world of addiction. I was becoming what I hated. I was becoming my father. Soon my anger evolved and addiction became my primary caregiver. I was dependent and powerless. The following are excerpts from my journal as I sought out freedom and recovery:

3/20/03
I can’t swim but if I could I would imagine my life in the face of addiction is like swimming up a stream. Powering through the water with long determined stokes only to eventually grow tired. I feel like I am swallowing water at times. At other times I just want to fall into the peaceful depths of the ocean. I know it's dark there but I’m just tired of swimming and I don’t see land on the horizon. From time to time I come across a floating piece of debris and ride the wave, but I always seem to loose my grip. If I quit I know I will loose every thing I hold dear, My wife, my son…my son needs a real father. Cameron I will not fail you. You have too much potential. Forgive me for my weakness, for give me.


5/10/03
A goodbye letter to addiction

I could not believe how resistant I was to writing this letter. I stared at the computer trying to find something else to do. I realized part of me did not want to say goodbye. It is the part of me that I am trying to kill. I would be lying if I said this was easy. The truth is I am feeling a great deal of sadness, grief, loneliness and fear as I write this letter.

We have been together for a long time, too long. I would also be lying if I told you I did not enjoy the time we spent together. If there was not a positive aspect to our relationship I would have left years ago.

I am leaving because the negative aspects of our relationship far outweigh the positive. You were always there for me. Throughout the good times and the bad, Addiction you were my comfort, my peace, my joy, but it came with a price. You made me isolate from my family, from my God. You cost too much. You took my time, my money, my creativity and my peace of mind.

To tell you the truth I found someone who treats me better. I found God and he is teaching me to connect with others. You see God is not as jealous as you. He encourages me to spend time with my family. He supports my career and my dreams.

You wanted me all to yourself. You invaded every part of my life. I can’t function with you around me. I can’t see you anymore. Don’t call me! Don’t write me!

Its true you supported me when my dad was not around. It’s true you became my best friend when I was a teenager. You filled the void when I could not find a girlfriend and when I was rejected me. You helped me transition into college and helped raised my self-esteem, but I don’t need you anymore I am strong enough to face my pain. I acknowledge my sorrow. I will work through my frustrations by leaning on God. I know you. You don’t like to take no for an answer and that just proves how selfish you are, but you will get the picture eventually. I’m finished. I don’t need the pain you have caused. I’m moving on.

With Tears,

Shannon

The waters of anger and resentment are bitter refreshments. To drink of them only brings a greater thirst. Some of us choke on our own temperament. Some of us find relief, and some continue to grasp for air. You can be free of this vile elixir.









--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shannon Munford is the CEO and founder of Daybreak Counseling Service He has a combined seven years of working with troubled youth and families in Los Angeles County. He has been employed with the Los Angeles District Attorney'ss Office, The Department of Children and Family Services and The Los Angeles Probation Department. He has been and continues to be a mentor to youth in Los Angeles and surrounding areas. Shannon has teamed with local faith based institutions that donate clothes, furniture and toys to foster and probation youth in Los Angeles. Daybreak's CEO is a member of the Gardena Police Chief Advisory Board. His passion for the family inspired him to receive his Bachelor of Arts Degree in Sociology and Master's of Arts Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. He is a certified adult and adolescent Anger Management Educator.

Mr. Munford has developed working relationship with a variety of companies including Interscope Records, who sponsors such talents as 50 Cent, Eminem, Dr. Dre, Marilyn Manson, No Doubt and more.

He has also serviced non-profit organizations such as The United Friends of the Children. They guide foster children and youth on a journey to become confident and successful adults.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------