Can Sex Help Addiction
Author: Liz Estrata

Years ago I read a book by a well-known psychologist who writes on addiction. She predicted mankind would one day discover that all addictions are secondary. I think she’s right, and I have some thoughts on a possible suspect for “primary cause.” But my thoughts didn’t come through studying addiction—they came through studying sacred sexuality.

For the last decade I have been learning about a different way of making love. It’s delicious, satisfying, keeps the heart open, slows the aging process, and heightens spiritual awareness. It also appears to enable people to release their addictions without substituting new ones.

The addictions don’t disappear overnight, but within a few months of this alternative approach to sex, they begin to loosen their grip. Usually there is noticeable progress, then a crisis period, and, if the partners stay with the new approach, finally a new plateau without the former addiction. I’ve seen long-term alcoholism and years of Prozac use surrender to this form of healing. I’m convinced I’ve stumbled onto something that merits further investigation by experts more qualified in traditional research, and in hopes of inspiring some I’ll share my experience from a sacred sexuality perspective.

The distinguishing factor of sacred sexuality is, for me, that conventional orgasm is not its goal. Instead its goal is another form of sexual pleasure that is less explosive, non–addictive, sustainable, and deeply fulfilling. I recognize that the West is so preoccupied with orgasm—and sexual dysfunction—that we tend to view any doubts about the benefits of conventional orgasm as indications of a severe pathology. Yet for thousands of years various esoteric traditions have hinted otherwise. Texts of the ancient Chinese Taoists, the sexual Tantrics, and the earliest (so-called “Gnostic”) Christians all contain clues that sex, when used differently, can heighten spiritual awareness and benefit our health. Here’s one of my favorites from the Hua Hu Ching by Lao Tzu:

Because higher and higher unions of yin and yang are necessary for the conception of higher life, some students may be instructed in the art of dual cultivation [the goal of which is not conventional orgasm], in which yin and yang are directly integrated in the tai chi of sexual intercourse....If genuine virtue and true mastery come together, the practice can bring about a profound balancing of the student's gross and subtle energies…. The result of this is improved health, harmonized emotions, the cessation of cravings and impulses, and, at the highest level, the transcendent integration of the entire energy body. [emphasis added]

How can this be? Well, after years of detective work, I think I can shed some light on that question.

Orgasm…a problem?

Have you ever transformed a cherished friendship into a sexual relationship—and then watched it crumple into a painful mess…and lost both your new lover and your close friendship? This scenario is so common that it’s almost axiomatic that “we should avoid sex with anyone whose friendship we value.”

What is it about adding sex to our relationships that causes trouble? It’s the neurochemical changes that accompany orgasm—combined with the radical perception shift they cause—that erode our relationships…and feed our addictions.

Let’s start with the good news. Close relationships are built on feelings of mutual comfort, safety and caring. At a neurochemical level hormones such as oxytocin, which promotes bonding, play a large role in such good feelings. Oxytocin breaks down quickly in the body and can’t be taken in pill form, so lovers need to make it a habit to keep their hearts open if they want to sustain a desire to get closer.

The emotions that accompany open-heartedness (appreciation, giving, caring, closeness) also yield benefits beyond greater relationship harmony. They decrease our levels of cortisol, or “death hormone” (so called because it’s produced in harmful levels when we’re under stress) and increase our levels of “anti-aging hormone” (DHEA). This improved hormonal balance strengthens our immunity to disease, regenerates, frees arteries of cholesterol and helps us maintain our ideal weight. Perhaps most importantly, an open heart heals our toxic sense of separation. According to heart disease specialist, Dean Ornish, M.D., the rewards of closeness to another are so profound that they even outweigh the benefits of sound health strategies like exercise, stopping smoking and dietary improvements.

Now for the bad news. At a neurochemical level, the sensation of orgasm occurs primarily in the brain. It’s a massive release of dopamine (“the pleasure/reward” hormone, also known as “the molecule of addiction” ). Overdoses of intense pleasure feel great, but can be harmful. Orgasms and mood-altering drugs activate the same basic pathways in the brain. These dopamine highs, in both cases, are followed by lows—because our nerve cell receptors apparently “down regulate” to defend against further excess and promote equilibrium. These lows can be excruciating. Mankind has made the connection between a drug or alcohol high and a hangover, but we seldom consciously make the connection between conventional orgasm and a hangover.

The Hidden Hangover

True, men often feel a letdown following ejaculation—and cope by rolling over and snoring. John Gray, PhD (Men are from Mars…) describes it as “a man’s need to go into his cave.” Sacred sex texts have long explained this need for recovery as a repercussion from the loss of semen. I believe the problem is subtler than a loss of expendable body fluids. It occurs at a neurochemical level, and it affects women, too. Some have found, for example, that the fallout from orgasm may not hit immediately, yet can undermine their sense of well-being for as long as two weeks. I would like to see more research to confirm these informal observations.

The symptoms and their timing vary, of course. Yet there are certain patterns that can frequently be observed during the hangover/recovery period: fear that there won’t be enough, mood swings, a need for space, reckless spending, insensitivity, feeling drained/ exhausted, emotional overreactions, and intense malaise/depression. We desperately begin looking outside ourselves for comfort—which fuels substance abuse and eating disorders in many of us. These results may, of course, follow any blast of dopamine to the “pleasure/reward” portion of the brain, but they are particularly treacherous when they interfere with our perception of our partner because harmonious intimacy is so beneficial to our well-being. We would be far better off if we learned to make love without engaging the addictive dopamine cycle of highs and lows.

I believe we haven’t connected our post-orgasmic hangovers with sex because the symptoms vary so much—and generally appear (to us) to occur only in our partners. Also, most of us have orgasm frequently enough that we mistake (and defend) our symptoms as “part of who we are.” And when we aren’t sexually active, we’re often coping with the absence of the powerful benefits of intimacy cited above. In fact, if I had to name the “primary cause” behind all addiction, I would say it is our toxic sense of isolation. The point is, however, that when we follow the usual path to heal that sense of isolation—by entering into an intimate relationship—we unwittingly set off dopamine “bombs” that, over time, often close our hearts and drive us right back into defensive isolation.

No wonder the Buddhists advised celibacy to control the attachment and craving they correctly recognize as a root cause of all our unhappiness. Yet there is a way to achieve wholeness within relationship when we learn to make oxytocin rather than dopamine our primary “hormone of choice” during sex. Union with open hearts can lead to a profound sense of well-being, but with conventional sex in the picture, our “honeymoons” end all too quickly. We never suspect there’s a middle path that lets us tap the powerful benefits of open-hearted intimacy without the unpleasant neurochemical repercussions from orgasmic pleasure jolts.

The Destruction of Intimate Relationships

Now that church and state have lost their power to keep us married, intimate relationships are proving as fragile as spider webs. In 40 years the divorce rate climbed from 15% to 50%, and now the percentage of people who never marry is rising rapidly. Why? Well, who is most closely associated in our subconscious mind with this hidden hangover? Our lover. Over time, our natural response to repeated hangovers makes us defensive, and the resulting decrease in oxytocin weakens our most nourishing emotional bond. In other words, biology has hypnotized us into using sex in a way that causes us to fear intimacy.

My “too-much-dopamine” theory may seem farfetched, but if you consider the widespread chaos in intimate relationships, and the rapid increase in addiction of all kinds, it is apparent that something pretty universal is at work. And sure enough, nearly everyone has sex, or was conditioned by folks plagued by these hangovers, or is suffering from the longing for wholeness that motivates intimate union in the first place.

I used to grieve about the unnecessary destruction of relationships due to this nasty separation mechanism in our design. Now, however, I see it as a means to motivate us to rediscover the hidden potential that lies in our unions. We simply have to learn to circumvent this nasty biological reward system that is bent on promoting fertilization behavior at any cost.

What’s So Great about Sex with More Oxytocin and Less Dopamine?

I’ve experimented with the alternative for over a decade, so I can share some encouraging news about making love without conventional orgasm:

• It’s loving. You never kill your desire, so a flirtatious, nourishing current flows between you and your lover all the time—just as it did when you first fell in love. And without the mysterious bouts of emotional upset, fatigue and escapes into addiction that orgasm so often engenders, you have plenty of energy for pampering each other, making love more often, and achieving your life’s purpose. Instead of a recurring need for isolation and relief, you’ll find your schedules begin to flow together—without negotiation. Your time together is soothing and playful, not stressful.

• It’s a powerful antidote to all addictions. One of the chief perils of pleasure bursts of excess dopamine is that the subsequent hangovers demand relief. Usually we reach for a drink, some smoke, a pill or another orgasm. This ensures another hangover, causing our body to down regulate again. Bingo—addiction. When, instead, we base our sense of well-being on non-addictive oxytocin, we reverse that downward spiral. This way of making love stills cravings naturally. We begin to relish equilibrium instead of drama.

• It’s good for our health. The ancient Taoists prescribed hours of non-ejaculatory sex in different positions as cures for various diseases. Intimacy, without the neurochemical roller coaster ride of orgasm, promotes equilibrium—allowing your body to function optimally. For example, when conventional orgasm was my goal, I suffered chronic yeast and urinary tract infections, but throughout my eleven years of experimenting with this approach those problems have been entirely absent. Another friend found that his herpes was dormant when he avoided conventional orgasm. Obviously more research is needed, but I suspect others will experience similar benefits.

• It’s effortless. All performance woes disappear (“Did she come? How many times?” “Is he worried about impotence? What should I do?”), as do sexual fetishes. Without the goal of orgasm a relaxed harmony replaces all such anxiety. My lover (who went from an average of four orgasms per week to zero as soon as we got together) was amazed to discover that after only three days of affectionate contact (without the goal of orgasm) his body chemistry had already begun to shift. He no longer felt a burning desire to come. Yet, over a year later, his libido has not decreased and we make love more days than we don’t. We also laugh more…and “process” less than in past relationships.

• It’s an adventure. After sex, have you ever wondered, “is that all there is?” With this other approach to lovemaking there’s a sense that new discoveries await. Not only have my lover and I discovered the existence of “heart orgasms” (feelings of ecstatic closeness that go on and on), we’ve begun to see bright flashes in our third eyes. While we know the real gift is our open hearts, we have no doubt other inspiring discoveries lie ahead. Yet the present is so delicious that we’re very much in the moment as well.

Want to Conduct Your Own Research?

It’s surprisingly simple to learn to make love this other way if you go slowly enough and exchange lots of affectionate intimacy. The key to loosening biology’s addictive grip on our genitals is to focus on releasing a steady supply of heart-opening oxytocin (also known as “the cuddle hormone”). That makes the withdrawal from our addiction to dopamine rushes (from orgasm, drugs, alcohol, binging and so on) nearly painless.

For example, rats addicted to heroin, that could administer it at will, decreased their heroin use when also injected with oxytocin. This may explain why “heart orgasms” are as delicious as “hot orgasms.” And relationships based on the former are definitely hardier and more carefree.

Intention isn’t enough to learn this, however. It takes at least a month of consistent “baby steps” and nightly nurturing to lay down a new neural response to sexual arousal. Otherwise you will swiftly find yourselves swept away in pursuit of another “dopamine overdose.” But if you enjoy intimacy, and have tired of the current impasse in relationships, why not give this approach a try for a month? It costs nothing, and at most you pass up a few orgasms. Any addictions may just fade away in the process. And if enough of us discover this hidden potential in our relationships, perhaps the experts will do the research necessary to “prove” the existence of the healing heart orgasm the Taoists discovered long ago.

Liz Estrata is the author of PEACE BETWEEN THE SHEETS: Sexual Relationships that Heal, which contains a simple, step-by-step program for couples who wish to outwit biology. It is available for .75 through www.amazon.com or, in half the time and for only .95, through www.reuniting.info.






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About the Author
Following degrees from Brown and Yale Universities and a business career, Liz Estrata found herself increasingly mystified by the widespread disharmony in intimate relationships. She began a search for explanations that took an unexpected direction and led to some fascinating and surprisingly effective answers.

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